today sees the funeral of a charming, always happy, boy with the most amazing smile - engaged in his faith, always pursuing a sense of fun - whose presence is sorely missed from our midst at church.
i have been so affected of late by the grief demonstrated by a group of young lads ranging from 8-11. coming away from my duties as a children's worker at church i have taken away with me images of their expressions, the limpness of their bodies as shock and grief took hold, their inability to adequately express their feelings and the longing that at their age they should not have to experience this. it has been a truly sad last few weeks and for the unforseeable future part of my role is to abide with these children in their grief - teach them about the nature of grief and enable them to feel the presence of god in their grief. i don't know how i stopped crying yesterday after praying with sam's brother. i feel heartbroken for him. i feel like i am in a state of intercession...
grief from a christian perspective enables there to be a bitter-sweet bearing of the grief. we have the assurance of eternity together with the lost loved one. that once the reuiniting has taken place there will never again be a parting. but 11 years old is too young to die. but then again when we look to other countries where thousands of african children die daily from mosquito bites and mortality rates are so low - most people not looking to live past 35-40 - it urges us to give thanks for the prospects we have in the west of longevity. but everything is relative and noone can take away the impact, shock, and grief of losing a child - it doesn't bear imagining...
grief is like the tides of the sea.... it comes in and goes out and overtakes you when you least expect. and yet again when my friend christine died i had the priviledge of praying with her a couple of days before she passed away. such a devout christian and such a witness of faith in the face of suffering with a brain tumour. such trust in god. even on her deathbed she was so fully submitted to the will of god and knew he could change her destiny in a twinkling of an eye, but even knowing he wouldn't i felt so humbled to sing praises to him with her knowing her days were so very numbered. i can only hope to have the kind of faith she had. whilst praying for her i had a strong vision of what she would look like in her transformed state and the utter joy she would experience in the presence of god... when she died i experienced an unexplainable and supernatural joy for her. it wasn't until her funeral that i cried as the revelation was so strong... she is doubtlessly still dancing in his presence!
it's not so with sam. although there is comfort in knowing where he is - the grief and sorrow of those siblings and friends left behind, grappling to express their feelings and make sense of it all makes me share in their grief. grieve with those who grieve. When one part of the body hurts, so should the other. We are a family brought together through inheritance of eternal life and the promises of Christ. We are not born of earthly parentage but by the will and spirit of God. One body, many parts. But our grieving is not without hope - therefore we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, because what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal (2 Cor 4). There is also the promise that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30). Seasons change and suffering strengthens our walk with the Lord - whereupon His presence is felt so much stronger. This too shall pass...
Today will be my son's first funeral/thanksgiving. This is the first friend he has lost. He is only 8. My daughter has inherited the strong Jamaican side of the gene pool and utterly loves a good funeral and has a healthy perspective on death - she immerses herself in the sadness of saying goodbye then, like the jamaicans i have known, has the 'life goes on' spirit and bounces back quite quickly - although often fondly remembering the person and sadly missing them from time to time. I do worry for my son today as he is so sensitive he will soak up the whole environment of grief as children with ADHD often do - hopefully not to then act it out today! He will struggle to process his emotions today... And I will be keeping an eye out for all the other children I look after at church...
It will take nothing to start me off today as at this time of the morning my emotions are there, right at the forefront as I pray for Sam's family in their difficult task today. What a challenge to entrust our loved ones back into the hands of God from whence they came... He gives and takes away. A time to be born and a time to die. Seasons of life. We have to accept these principles and the Sovereignty of God and help everyone left behind in the restoration process to access the grace and presence of God in their suffering. No matter how much we would just want Sam back with us...
Give thanks for each day... keep things in perspective...
Monday, 18 May 2009
Friday, 15 May 2009
business plan....
the ongoing saga of the business plan continues today.... i have reverted to my pc and ms office to produce my final draft of this stroke of genius. keeping my fingers crossed that the blessed thing doesn't freeze up...my mac today is a glorified huge ipod playing my funky spotify playlist by my side through my earphones in case my pc gets overwhelmed and freezes. i am currently jigging to hot chip 'over and over' as i write this, otherwise i would be sitting with my head in my hands sighing as my brain expands and contracts in my head making it ache.... i've been at this business plan for ages now.... like the lyrics in the song 'over and over and over and over, like a monkey with a miniature cymbol the joy of repetition really is in you' that's me and this business plan for the last few months..... i have a final, final, final deadline for tuesday and i'm still indecisive about elements of the business plan... this is why noone has seen any of it yet - it is an ever changing moveable feast....thought it best management of the situation. confuse them once and once only - that's my motto!
it's such a responsibility trying to fathom the most effective direction for a project. organisations have a temptation to create structures to fit people and the way they have done things so to stand outside and objectively look at organisational needs is often challenging - particularly as i am also project managing this particular project and not just looking from the outside in as a consultant...
as this is an international development charity my key major last minute umming and ahhing revolves around ethical issues of charities in the uk undertaking international development work abroad with no constant presence in country so as i revise the organisational structure and timescale for recruitment one more time i am trying my best to be objective.... and think this through laterally. and i think the final outcome will be that the lifespan of this project's uk base will become more and more diminished in order that the project lives and breathes in country.... this business plan has gone through so many incarnations from 5 years, to 1 year to 3 - simply to fulfil some framework for funding applications. it's going to be ridiculous amounts of pages long since it breaks down into a lot of detail the various strategic objectives into detail that can be digested for people who are new to being trustees. it is going to contain detail that won't be pleasing to everyone - i never do set out to make myself popular, but all in all i will ensure that it's a business plan that is credible in terms of the charity's objects and its obligations under charity law around public benefit.
just to make my task easier i've fallen ill, so has my daughter who i am trying to keep occupied and my ex has let me down on having the kids for the weekend, so i'm literally going to be juggling many spinning plates this weekend, popping lemsip and keeping my funky motivational music ringing in my ears... whilst i make miracles happen...
i'm glad to have poured so much thought into this business plan, really glad that since november i have completely and utterly turned the project upside down and inside out... since i think charities have an obligation to fully justify their existence, and fully demonstrate and monitor the public benefit of the their work and subsequent impact monitoring. they also need a damn fine business plan to help them be a sustainable, fundable charity. this is one of the first major showcases of my work and i'm really pleased with it. even if a lot of it is still resident only in my head and on bits of paper and needs to be transported into my document by the end of the weekend!! today is one of those days i wish i drank coffee!
still.... once this is sorted i only have an in-depth 3 year fundraising strategy to write within one day...by the end of next week... yee-ha!
all i can say is it's a good job i haven't found myself a nice 26 year old yet...
one more full-on dance to dizzee then back to static writing...well only gently rocking in my seat (dancing of course!) whilst occupying one more child in from school! 'my name is, my name is dizzie dizz'
it's such a responsibility trying to fathom the most effective direction for a project. organisations have a temptation to create structures to fit people and the way they have done things so to stand outside and objectively look at organisational needs is often challenging - particularly as i am also project managing this particular project and not just looking from the outside in as a consultant...
as this is an international development charity my key major last minute umming and ahhing revolves around ethical issues of charities in the uk undertaking international development work abroad with no constant presence in country so as i revise the organisational structure and timescale for recruitment one more time i am trying my best to be objective.... and think this through laterally. and i think the final outcome will be that the lifespan of this project's uk base will become more and more diminished in order that the project lives and breathes in country.... this business plan has gone through so many incarnations from 5 years, to 1 year to 3 - simply to fulfil some framework for funding applications. it's going to be ridiculous amounts of pages long since it breaks down into a lot of detail the various strategic objectives into detail that can be digested for people who are new to being trustees. it is going to contain detail that won't be pleasing to everyone - i never do set out to make myself popular, but all in all i will ensure that it's a business plan that is credible in terms of the charity's objects and its obligations under charity law around public benefit.
just to make my task easier i've fallen ill, so has my daughter who i am trying to keep occupied and my ex has let me down on having the kids for the weekend, so i'm literally going to be juggling many spinning plates this weekend, popping lemsip and keeping my funky motivational music ringing in my ears... whilst i make miracles happen...
i'm glad to have poured so much thought into this business plan, really glad that since november i have completely and utterly turned the project upside down and inside out... since i think charities have an obligation to fully justify their existence, and fully demonstrate and monitor the public benefit of the their work and subsequent impact monitoring. they also need a damn fine business plan to help them be a sustainable, fundable charity. this is one of the first major showcases of my work and i'm really pleased with it. even if a lot of it is still resident only in my head and on bits of paper and needs to be transported into my document by the end of the weekend!! today is one of those days i wish i drank coffee!
still.... once this is sorted i only have an in-depth 3 year fundraising strategy to write within one day...by the end of next week... yee-ha!
all i can say is it's a good job i haven't found myself a nice 26 year old yet...
one more full-on dance to dizzee then back to static writing...well only gently rocking in my seat (dancing of course!) whilst occupying one more child in from school! 'my name is, my name is dizzie dizz'
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
love for inanimate objects...
at the request of lilmiss i am writing a blog in a few spare moments i have found along the way.... not only have i managed to locate my blog through benny's blog, i have also managed to remember my login details... quite an achievement...
so, what to write about?
i have fallen deeply and head over heels in love with an inanimate object, named mac. mac is a sexy sleek machine, soft to the touch, a smooth operator and constantly in the forefront of my mind at the moment. magnetic to the touch, neatly packaged, and generally aesthetically pleasing... i have purchased a macbook, but not only have i purchased a new laptop i feel i have purchased a relationship! in the words of goldfrapp 'i'm in love with a strict machine' mac love, mac bliss...
i then had a little ponder about other inanimate objects i am more than fond of..
violin
in certain pieces of music as the violin note exudes is cleaves to the very essence of my emotional being and strikes a chord deep within like a miniscule opening of my entire being. the sound of the string hones itself to the core of my emotions, making a minute hole through which my emotional response squeezes, then pours itself forth...
fire
elemental. warm. relaxation. gathering. building. emerging. socialisation. celebration.
the sea
i am my best self by the sea. the sea spray is like moisture to my face as i incline my face upwards towards the horizon. it's a looking outwards, a sound that is pleasing, it calls me out and forth to immerse my being in its depth. always a spiritual experience where i feel god closer. a place of stillness and peace. part of my identity.
solitude and silence
it is not good for man to be alone, but at times solitude and silence make excellent company. it is a space away from my identity as mother. ally time. ally being. ally resting. ally seeking god time. ally refreshing. often awakening the dawn and watching the morning emerge.
writing
the reason, reasoning, discussion, meter and rhyme, unconscious, conscious utterances. recounts our evasive senses of fulfilment and the death of dreams together with hope on the horizon and awakening of spring within. testimonial of things that pass or shall pass, the hope of things to come and a journaling of promises from on high. temporary, fleeting emotions. the pleasure found in others' craftsmanship of words. spiritual words that inhabit our being and become part of us.
camera
going into another space as i find pleasure in capturing images. producing images for display in my environment, enlivening my decor. creativity. subsequent photo editing. production of pleasing images. capturing moments with my children.
i shall leave aside my intimate relationship with chocolate, the pleasure of clothes and material pleasures... so here's my lil list, my lil piece of writing and my lil blog..... at the request of lil... i may come back soon?
so, what to write about?
i have fallen deeply and head over heels in love with an inanimate object, named mac. mac is a sexy sleek machine, soft to the touch, a smooth operator and constantly in the forefront of my mind at the moment. magnetic to the touch, neatly packaged, and generally aesthetically pleasing... i have purchased a macbook, but not only have i purchased a new laptop i feel i have purchased a relationship! in the words of goldfrapp 'i'm in love with a strict machine' mac love, mac bliss...
i then had a little ponder about other inanimate objects i am more than fond of..
violin
in certain pieces of music as the violin note exudes is cleaves to the very essence of my emotional being and strikes a chord deep within like a miniscule opening of my entire being. the sound of the string hones itself to the core of my emotions, making a minute hole through which my emotional response squeezes, then pours itself forth...
fire
elemental. warm. relaxation. gathering. building. emerging. socialisation. celebration.
the sea
i am my best self by the sea. the sea spray is like moisture to my face as i incline my face upwards towards the horizon. it's a looking outwards, a sound that is pleasing, it calls me out and forth to immerse my being in its depth. always a spiritual experience where i feel god closer. a place of stillness and peace. part of my identity.
solitude and silence
it is not good for man to be alone, but at times solitude and silence make excellent company. it is a space away from my identity as mother. ally time. ally being. ally resting. ally seeking god time. ally refreshing. often awakening the dawn and watching the morning emerge.
writing
the reason, reasoning, discussion, meter and rhyme, unconscious, conscious utterances. recounts our evasive senses of fulfilment and the death of dreams together with hope on the horizon and awakening of spring within. testimonial of things that pass or shall pass, the hope of things to come and a journaling of promises from on high. temporary, fleeting emotions. the pleasure found in others' craftsmanship of words. spiritual words that inhabit our being and become part of us.
camera
going into another space as i find pleasure in capturing images. producing images for display in my environment, enlivening my decor. creativity. subsequent photo editing. production of pleasing images. capturing moments with my children.
i shall leave aside my intimate relationship with chocolate, the pleasure of clothes and material pleasures... so here's my lil list, my lil piece of writing and my lil blog..... at the request of lil... i may come back soon?
Sunday, 22 July 2007
holiday from the net....
been taking a little break from the net, getting to bed early, reading, doing interesting stuff, seeing real-life friends and looking after myself....
nothing much to report, other than holiday in france is a couple of weeks away, together with a complete bathroom refurb, looking forward to the break!!
see you around soon x
nothing much to report, other than holiday in france is a couple of weeks away, together with a complete bathroom refurb, looking forward to the break!!
see you around soon x
Saturday, 30 June 2007
critical illness....
this week saw the passing of mr rigsby (peter) from ccuk a friend who i had once met and used to talk to both online and on the phone regularly until he was taken ill last year. he will be sadly missed and i am trusting that he is resting in peace, or more likely up in heaven tending to the horses on behalf of the lord! he was a true eccentric gent, who had a range of interests in music, art, british history, reenactments of battles (for which he would always get a bit overexcited and get himself banned from future ones!), horses - he absolutely loved horse riding and animals and nature in general...
i last spoke to him in hospital a couple of weeks ago whereupon i knew it wouldn't be long for him and he was in so much pain to stand up and talk to me i didn't call again. i hope he and i shall meet again someday in a better place and enjoy another good chat.....
right now i have two friends fighting liver failure.... christine has a brain tumour and has developed liver failure believed to be as a result of chemo. she had a near miss in the night where she lost lots of blood and her family were called in. we are keeping in touch via text/phone as i don't want to take any kiddy germs into her on the ward since the kids have colds. christine is a believer who has the most stunning faith - never feels sorry for herself and always trusts in god.... today she felt she had some words from him which are encouraging her onwards....
tamara also has liver failure due to alcohol abuse. her body is slowly but surely breaking down. she too is a lovely woman who couldn't handle the excrement life threw her way and took it all out on herself in a variety of self-harming mechanisms. she doesn't know god yet - although she is not the staunch atheist she once was.
i am praying for them both and hoping they will both pull through.... neither is more entitled to health than the other and ultimately noone is to blame for their health no matter if it is what you would term 'self-induced'...... all are illnesses of one shape or another.....
i am just hoping that these women will pull though and find their will to fight what's going on..... with god's support towards another chance.....
i last spoke to him in hospital a couple of weeks ago whereupon i knew it wouldn't be long for him and he was in so much pain to stand up and talk to me i didn't call again. i hope he and i shall meet again someday in a better place and enjoy another good chat.....
right now i have two friends fighting liver failure.... christine has a brain tumour and has developed liver failure believed to be as a result of chemo. she had a near miss in the night where she lost lots of blood and her family were called in. we are keeping in touch via text/phone as i don't want to take any kiddy germs into her on the ward since the kids have colds. christine is a believer who has the most stunning faith - never feels sorry for herself and always trusts in god.... today she felt she had some words from him which are encouraging her onwards....
tamara also has liver failure due to alcohol abuse. her body is slowly but surely breaking down. she too is a lovely woman who couldn't handle the excrement life threw her way and took it all out on herself in a variety of self-harming mechanisms. she doesn't know god yet - although she is not the staunch atheist she once was.
i am praying for them both and hoping they will both pull through.... neither is more entitled to health than the other and ultimately noone is to blame for their health no matter if it is what you would term 'self-induced'...... all are illnesses of one shape or another.....
i am just hoping that these women will pull though and find their will to fight what's going on..... with god's support towards another chance.....
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
proud mother...
today ophy and santana had sports day at school and both won their running races.... ophy came away with 3 1sts and santana with 2 1sts.... hoorah!!!
it's amazing to see their little faces at these moments - so excited and proud. santana said 'i just believed in myself!'
i would like to take the credit for passing on their athletic genes, but unfortunately it had nothing to with me!! their father was a school champion runner (and i think later he had to run fast to get out of a number of tricky situations!!!!!)
there are celebrations galore tonight in our house and real senses of achievement in the little ones - well done santana and ophir!!!
and well done mummy - 3 hours standing in the freezing cold with terrible back pain - even with pain killers!!
it's amazing to see their little faces at these moments - so excited and proud. santana said 'i just believed in myself!'
i would like to take the credit for passing on their athletic genes, but unfortunately it had nothing to with me!! their father was a school champion runner (and i think later he had to run fast to get out of a number of tricky situations!!!!!)
there are celebrations galore tonight in our house and real senses of achievement in the little ones - well done santana and ophir!!!
and well done mummy - 3 hours standing in the freezing cold with terrible back pain - even with pain killers!!
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
holidays...
i have worked so hard these last couple of years without much of a break that i have requested of our management committee that i might take off the whole of august.... so far it's looking quite positive that there will be agreement. i will be taking two weeks unpaid leave, which, when you take into consideration i won't be paying childcare for 4 weeks will partly cover my salary i will miss.... so it's a win win situation.
I want to fill this 4 weeks with holidays.... the children and I generally take a break to Weymouth which we love so we will slot this into the 4 weeks. They also have their annual camp they will be going on in Surrey which they thoroughly enjoy also (heaven only knows if I'm up to camping with my rheumatism..... i dug over a small plot in the garden this weekend and am still in agony - and i'm not the greatest fan of sleeping on the ground anyhow!!)
my children and i discussed places we might like to go over dinner last night and they drew up a list which has quite an array of destinations. Ophir wants to go to Disneyland... Santana has requested St Lucia, Turkey or Spain (in particular Madrid) and I have stuck France on.
I haven't taken a plane since 1994 and have not done so in particular for ecology reasons. One year's worth of household carbon emissions can be issued by 1 flight. However, since my father's passing and the kind amount of money he has left us he would have loved to see us take a nice holiday.
Now this is where it gets rather confusing..... there are so many sites selling holidays. It's a vast maze out there on the internet. I'm almost at a loss in terms of where to start. Some sites have particularly cheap holidays, but often these don't have a picture of the hotel you will be staying in which is somewhat dubious to me!! Also it's hard trying to pinpoint those holidays which have good children's entertainment.....
What am I looking for in this holiday ? Well, I'm looking for a fortnight somewhere warm and new where me and the children can explore, but equally where they have good children's entertainment/facilities so that they can have fun whilst i chill and where we can equally go and explore together and have fun together. I'm finding it quite hard to locate places on the internet that fit this bill. I'm probably typing in the wrong search criteria....
I think I may just sort out our passports then randomly turn up at a travel agents 1 week before we want to go or go on lastminute.com or other similar site! it's too confusing!!!
I want to fill this 4 weeks with holidays.... the children and I generally take a break to Weymouth which we love so we will slot this into the 4 weeks. They also have their annual camp they will be going on in Surrey which they thoroughly enjoy also (heaven only knows if I'm up to camping with my rheumatism..... i dug over a small plot in the garden this weekend and am still in agony - and i'm not the greatest fan of sleeping on the ground anyhow!!)
my children and i discussed places we might like to go over dinner last night and they drew up a list which has quite an array of destinations. Ophir wants to go to Disneyland... Santana has requested St Lucia, Turkey or Spain (in particular Madrid) and I have stuck France on.
I haven't taken a plane since 1994 and have not done so in particular for ecology reasons. One year's worth of household carbon emissions can be issued by 1 flight. However, since my father's passing and the kind amount of money he has left us he would have loved to see us take a nice holiday.
Now this is where it gets rather confusing..... there are so many sites selling holidays. It's a vast maze out there on the internet. I'm almost at a loss in terms of where to start. Some sites have particularly cheap holidays, but often these don't have a picture of the hotel you will be staying in which is somewhat dubious to me!! Also it's hard trying to pinpoint those holidays which have good children's entertainment.....
What am I looking for in this holiday ? Well, I'm looking for a fortnight somewhere warm and new where me and the children can explore, but equally where they have good children's entertainment/facilities so that they can have fun whilst i chill and where we can equally go and explore together and have fun together. I'm finding it quite hard to locate places on the internet that fit this bill. I'm probably typing in the wrong search criteria....
I think I may just sort out our passports then randomly turn up at a travel agents 1 week before we want to go or go on lastminute.com or other similar site! it's too confusing!!!
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