today sees the funeral of a charming, always happy, boy with the most amazing smile - engaged in his faith, always pursuing a sense of fun - whose presence is sorely missed from our midst at church.
i have been so affected of late by the grief demonstrated by a group of young lads ranging from 8-11. coming away from my duties as a children's worker at church i have taken away with me images of their expressions, the limpness of their bodies as shock and grief took hold, their inability to adequately express their feelings and the longing that at their age they should not have to experience this. it has been a truly sad last few weeks and for the unforseeable future part of my role is to abide with these children in their grief - teach them about the nature of grief and enable them to feel the presence of god in their grief. i don't know how i stopped crying yesterday after praying with sam's brother. i feel heartbroken for him. i feel like i am in a state of intercession...
grief from a christian perspective enables there to be a bitter-sweet bearing of the grief. we have the assurance of eternity together with the lost loved one. that once the reuiniting has taken place there will never again be a parting. but 11 years old is too young to die. but then again when we look to other countries where thousands of african children die daily from mosquito bites and mortality rates are so low - most people not looking to live past 35-40 - it urges us to give thanks for the prospects we have in the west of longevity. but everything is relative and noone can take away the impact, shock, and grief of losing a child - it doesn't bear imagining...
grief is like the tides of the sea.... it comes in and goes out and overtakes you when you least expect. and yet again when my friend christine died i had the priviledge of praying with her a couple of days before she passed away. such a devout christian and such a witness of faith in the face of suffering with a brain tumour. such trust in god. even on her deathbed she was so fully submitted to the will of god and knew he could change her destiny in a twinkling of an eye, but even knowing he wouldn't i felt so humbled to sing praises to him with her knowing her days were so very numbered. i can only hope to have the kind of faith she had. whilst praying for her i had a strong vision of what she would look like in her transformed state and the utter joy she would experience in the presence of god... when she died i experienced an unexplainable and supernatural joy for her. it wasn't until her funeral that i cried as the revelation was so strong... she is doubtlessly still dancing in his presence!
it's not so with sam. although there is comfort in knowing where he is - the grief and sorrow of those siblings and friends left behind, grappling to express their feelings and make sense of it all makes me share in their grief. grieve with those who grieve. When one part of the body hurts, so should the other. We are a family brought together through inheritance of eternal life and the promises of Christ. We are not born of earthly parentage but by the will and spirit of God. One body, many parts. But our grieving is not without hope - therefore we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, because what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal (2 Cor 4). There is also the promise that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30). Seasons change and suffering strengthens our walk with the Lord - whereupon His presence is felt so much stronger. This too shall pass...
Today will be my son's first funeral/thanksgiving. This is the first friend he has lost. He is only 8. My daughter has inherited the strong Jamaican side of the gene pool and utterly loves a good funeral and has a healthy perspective on death - she immerses herself in the sadness of saying goodbye then, like the jamaicans i have known, has the 'life goes on' spirit and bounces back quite quickly - although often fondly remembering the person and sadly missing them from time to time. I do worry for my son today as he is so sensitive he will soak up the whole environment of grief as children with ADHD often do - hopefully not to then act it out today! He will struggle to process his emotions today... And I will be keeping an eye out for all the other children I look after at church...
It will take nothing to start me off today as at this time of the morning my emotions are there, right at the forefront as I pray for Sam's family in their difficult task today. What a challenge to entrust our loved ones back into the hands of God from whence they came... He gives and takes away. A time to be born and a time to die. Seasons of life. We have to accept these principles and the Sovereignty of God and help everyone left behind in the restoration process to access the grace and presence of God in their suffering. No matter how much we would just want Sam back with us...
Give thanks for each day... keep things in perspective...
Monday, 18 May 2009
Friday, 15 May 2009
business plan....
the ongoing saga of the business plan continues today.... i have reverted to my pc and ms office to produce my final draft of this stroke of genius. keeping my fingers crossed that the blessed thing doesn't freeze up...my mac today is a glorified huge ipod playing my funky spotify playlist by my side through my earphones in case my pc gets overwhelmed and freezes. i am currently jigging to hot chip 'over and over' as i write this, otherwise i would be sitting with my head in my hands sighing as my brain expands and contracts in my head making it ache.... i've been at this business plan for ages now.... like the lyrics in the song 'over and over and over and over, like a monkey with a miniature cymbol the joy of repetition really is in you' that's me and this business plan for the last few months..... i have a final, final, final deadline for tuesday and i'm still indecisive about elements of the business plan... this is why noone has seen any of it yet - it is an ever changing moveable feast....thought it best management of the situation. confuse them once and once only - that's my motto!
it's such a responsibility trying to fathom the most effective direction for a project. organisations have a temptation to create structures to fit people and the way they have done things so to stand outside and objectively look at organisational needs is often challenging - particularly as i am also project managing this particular project and not just looking from the outside in as a consultant...
as this is an international development charity my key major last minute umming and ahhing revolves around ethical issues of charities in the uk undertaking international development work abroad with no constant presence in country so as i revise the organisational structure and timescale for recruitment one more time i am trying my best to be objective.... and think this through laterally. and i think the final outcome will be that the lifespan of this project's uk base will become more and more diminished in order that the project lives and breathes in country.... this business plan has gone through so many incarnations from 5 years, to 1 year to 3 - simply to fulfil some framework for funding applications. it's going to be ridiculous amounts of pages long since it breaks down into a lot of detail the various strategic objectives into detail that can be digested for people who are new to being trustees. it is going to contain detail that won't be pleasing to everyone - i never do set out to make myself popular, but all in all i will ensure that it's a business plan that is credible in terms of the charity's objects and its obligations under charity law around public benefit.
just to make my task easier i've fallen ill, so has my daughter who i am trying to keep occupied and my ex has let me down on having the kids for the weekend, so i'm literally going to be juggling many spinning plates this weekend, popping lemsip and keeping my funky motivational music ringing in my ears... whilst i make miracles happen...
i'm glad to have poured so much thought into this business plan, really glad that since november i have completely and utterly turned the project upside down and inside out... since i think charities have an obligation to fully justify their existence, and fully demonstrate and monitor the public benefit of the their work and subsequent impact monitoring. they also need a damn fine business plan to help them be a sustainable, fundable charity. this is one of the first major showcases of my work and i'm really pleased with it. even if a lot of it is still resident only in my head and on bits of paper and needs to be transported into my document by the end of the weekend!! today is one of those days i wish i drank coffee!
still.... once this is sorted i only have an in-depth 3 year fundraising strategy to write within one day...by the end of next week... yee-ha!
all i can say is it's a good job i haven't found myself a nice 26 year old yet...
one more full-on dance to dizzee then back to static writing...well only gently rocking in my seat (dancing of course!) whilst occupying one more child in from school! 'my name is, my name is dizzie dizz'
it's such a responsibility trying to fathom the most effective direction for a project. organisations have a temptation to create structures to fit people and the way they have done things so to stand outside and objectively look at organisational needs is often challenging - particularly as i am also project managing this particular project and not just looking from the outside in as a consultant...
as this is an international development charity my key major last minute umming and ahhing revolves around ethical issues of charities in the uk undertaking international development work abroad with no constant presence in country so as i revise the organisational structure and timescale for recruitment one more time i am trying my best to be objective.... and think this through laterally. and i think the final outcome will be that the lifespan of this project's uk base will become more and more diminished in order that the project lives and breathes in country.... this business plan has gone through so many incarnations from 5 years, to 1 year to 3 - simply to fulfil some framework for funding applications. it's going to be ridiculous amounts of pages long since it breaks down into a lot of detail the various strategic objectives into detail that can be digested for people who are new to being trustees. it is going to contain detail that won't be pleasing to everyone - i never do set out to make myself popular, but all in all i will ensure that it's a business plan that is credible in terms of the charity's objects and its obligations under charity law around public benefit.
just to make my task easier i've fallen ill, so has my daughter who i am trying to keep occupied and my ex has let me down on having the kids for the weekend, so i'm literally going to be juggling many spinning plates this weekend, popping lemsip and keeping my funky motivational music ringing in my ears... whilst i make miracles happen...
i'm glad to have poured so much thought into this business plan, really glad that since november i have completely and utterly turned the project upside down and inside out... since i think charities have an obligation to fully justify their existence, and fully demonstrate and monitor the public benefit of the their work and subsequent impact monitoring. they also need a damn fine business plan to help them be a sustainable, fundable charity. this is one of the first major showcases of my work and i'm really pleased with it. even if a lot of it is still resident only in my head and on bits of paper and needs to be transported into my document by the end of the weekend!! today is one of those days i wish i drank coffee!
still.... once this is sorted i only have an in-depth 3 year fundraising strategy to write within one day...by the end of next week... yee-ha!
all i can say is it's a good job i haven't found myself a nice 26 year old yet...
one more full-on dance to dizzee then back to static writing...well only gently rocking in my seat (dancing of course!) whilst occupying one more child in from school! 'my name is, my name is dizzie dizz'
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
love for inanimate objects...
at the request of lilmiss i am writing a blog in a few spare moments i have found along the way.... not only have i managed to locate my blog through benny's blog, i have also managed to remember my login details... quite an achievement...
so, what to write about?
i have fallen deeply and head over heels in love with an inanimate object, named mac. mac is a sexy sleek machine, soft to the touch, a smooth operator and constantly in the forefront of my mind at the moment. magnetic to the touch, neatly packaged, and generally aesthetically pleasing... i have purchased a macbook, but not only have i purchased a new laptop i feel i have purchased a relationship! in the words of goldfrapp 'i'm in love with a strict machine' mac love, mac bliss...
i then had a little ponder about other inanimate objects i am more than fond of..
violin
in certain pieces of music as the violin note exudes is cleaves to the very essence of my emotional being and strikes a chord deep within like a miniscule opening of my entire being. the sound of the string hones itself to the core of my emotions, making a minute hole through which my emotional response squeezes, then pours itself forth...
fire
elemental. warm. relaxation. gathering. building. emerging. socialisation. celebration.
the sea
i am my best self by the sea. the sea spray is like moisture to my face as i incline my face upwards towards the horizon. it's a looking outwards, a sound that is pleasing, it calls me out and forth to immerse my being in its depth. always a spiritual experience where i feel god closer. a place of stillness and peace. part of my identity.
solitude and silence
it is not good for man to be alone, but at times solitude and silence make excellent company. it is a space away from my identity as mother. ally time. ally being. ally resting. ally seeking god time. ally refreshing. often awakening the dawn and watching the morning emerge.
writing
the reason, reasoning, discussion, meter and rhyme, unconscious, conscious utterances. recounts our evasive senses of fulfilment and the death of dreams together with hope on the horizon and awakening of spring within. testimonial of things that pass or shall pass, the hope of things to come and a journaling of promises from on high. temporary, fleeting emotions. the pleasure found in others' craftsmanship of words. spiritual words that inhabit our being and become part of us.
camera
going into another space as i find pleasure in capturing images. producing images for display in my environment, enlivening my decor. creativity. subsequent photo editing. production of pleasing images. capturing moments with my children.
i shall leave aside my intimate relationship with chocolate, the pleasure of clothes and material pleasures... so here's my lil list, my lil piece of writing and my lil blog..... at the request of lil... i may come back soon?
so, what to write about?
i have fallen deeply and head over heels in love with an inanimate object, named mac. mac is a sexy sleek machine, soft to the touch, a smooth operator and constantly in the forefront of my mind at the moment. magnetic to the touch, neatly packaged, and generally aesthetically pleasing... i have purchased a macbook, but not only have i purchased a new laptop i feel i have purchased a relationship! in the words of goldfrapp 'i'm in love with a strict machine' mac love, mac bliss...
i then had a little ponder about other inanimate objects i am more than fond of..
violin
in certain pieces of music as the violin note exudes is cleaves to the very essence of my emotional being and strikes a chord deep within like a miniscule opening of my entire being. the sound of the string hones itself to the core of my emotions, making a minute hole through which my emotional response squeezes, then pours itself forth...
fire
elemental. warm. relaxation. gathering. building. emerging. socialisation. celebration.
the sea
i am my best self by the sea. the sea spray is like moisture to my face as i incline my face upwards towards the horizon. it's a looking outwards, a sound that is pleasing, it calls me out and forth to immerse my being in its depth. always a spiritual experience where i feel god closer. a place of stillness and peace. part of my identity.
solitude and silence
it is not good for man to be alone, but at times solitude and silence make excellent company. it is a space away from my identity as mother. ally time. ally being. ally resting. ally seeking god time. ally refreshing. often awakening the dawn and watching the morning emerge.
writing
the reason, reasoning, discussion, meter and rhyme, unconscious, conscious utterances. recounts our evasive senses of fulfilment and the death of dreams together with hope on the horizon and awakening of spring within. testimonial of things that pass or shall pass, the hope of things to come and a journaling of promises from on high. temporary, fleeting emotions. the pleasure found in others' craftsmanship of words. spiritual words that inhabit our being and become part of us.
camera
going into another space as i find pleasure in capturing images. producing images for display in my environment, enlivening my decor. creativity. subsequent photo editing. production of pleasing images. capturing moments with my children.
i shall leave aside my intimate relationship with chocolate, the pleasure of clothes and material pleasures... so here's my lil list, my lil piece of writing and my lil blog..... at the request of lil... i may come back soon?
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