Thursday, 31 May 2007

conversation with my son....

whilst sorting out some stuff today i was reminded (don't know how) about a few men in my life along the way who wanted to marry me..... when i was younger my friend suggested i write a book called 'how not to go out with someone when they're going out with you...!' i used to be a bit slow on the uptake! one in particular was lovely and my mum approved and told me he would make a nice husband about 2 weeks before she died...... but i was holding out for a bad man! what you ask for you sometimes will get!! he's now happily married and i must admit last year i kicked myself quite hard...!

i had a conversation with my son this evening along the following lines:

'Santana, do you think anyone would want to marry me ?'
'No I don't think so.'
'Why's that ?'
'Well it's your farts, they're so loud and sometimes I can hardly breathe.... and one day they might make a lightbulb explode!' Meanwhile he puts his hands to his mouth and makes enormous farting sounds... 'they sound like this!'
Laughing... 'So, apart from my farts do you think someone would want to marry me.'
'No I don't think so'
'Why's that ?'
'Well it's your burps. A man would just think that every room in this house was a gas bomb and he would have to run out the house to get air.'
'Ok... other than my farts and burps do you think anyone would want to marry me ?'
'Yes I think so. Johnny Depp would not be able to resist!'

That's my boy!!!!

rainy day....

the weather this half term has been completely miserable - so much so i can't even get out on my garden.... which is somewhat annoying since i have loads to do now that the builders have disappeared and the scaffolding is out of my borders (together with the clumbsy feet that wrecked a few of my plants grrr).... they've been outside today washing down all their mess and i'm just hoping they're not messing up my ecostructure with chemicals....

we're having a day at home today. by 8.30 i was opening the two month's worth of mail i had placed uncarefully in a box! i think the only mail i opened in april was birthday cards and sympathy cards following my dad's death. i would like to think i'm flattered by the amount of paper people send me in the hope that i will purchase a sofa, get a credit card, buy even more clothes, etc etc but i'm a bit offended by the amount of paper that gets wasted on my behalf..... mounds of stuff has ended up in the recycling bin - what a waste..... i have now dutifully filed away the rest of the stuff and i always say 'i'll do it on a weekly basis to save having to do this again' but in june i'll no doubt be doing the same exercise again!! this is why i need an ocd male partner to come and organise my life for me!! i also cancelled one of my store cards since they wrote me a stinking letter over owing £4 out of a £20 balance i had forgotten to clear..... i must be really pre-menstrual!

whilst in the bath following this i redesigned by bathroom and have decided to modernise it in august while the children are away for a week. now i just need to find an honest, good worker to do it for me.... i'm fancying slate tiles on two walls and floor - and the rest painted..... probably white. i also need a big cupboard for the mounds of beautifying creams i keep forgetting to use!! new loo, sink and bath...and i think i might paint a canvas to go over the loo..... once upon a time in a different flat i had a modigliani painting over the loo cos i loved the expression on the woman's face - looked like she was sizing up male loo users!! i didn't study history of art for nothing you know! lol i think i'll go for something more neutral in artwork this time!

i've done an audit of the flat and have written a list of what storage solutions i need and will be doing a mass trip to ikea soon to get those sorted.... if i wasn't so poorly i would have got the paint out and painted my bedroom!! that's been bare plaster since i fell ill last year half way thro the job! i have a few bits of painting that need doing - i am the most messiest painting and decorating person in the world - i make such a mess of it! well.... the walls end up ok but the rest of the place always seems to get covered! am contemplating getting a professional in..... but also thinking of the amount of cash i can save if i do it myself...... once upon a time a homegroup came and painted my lounge for me - never again!!!! out of christian charity they came and really bodged up my walls!!

had bo and boys over for lunch - cooked caribbean soup and dumplings, emptied the wardrobe in my bedroom and sorted through my clothes and got everything back in its place - have come to the conclusion i have enough clothes now!!... walked around the place getting rid stuff cupboards.... but didn't have the stamina to pull all stuff out of each and every one!!... especially the one with all my books in it - i do need to sort through that one but not whilst i have a chest infection - those books have stayed in that one place gathering dust for about 5 years...!! i will end up hospitalising myself!...... spent 5 minutes at my door saying 'no i'm fine with my supplier thank you' to aggressive electricity and gas sales people from npower, have played with children.....endless games of naughts and crosses, made animals out of play clay, lots of drawing, used my new usb pencil sharpener that lights up - v. entertaining, had a game of star wars monopoly and generally kept my children entertained, singing, dancing and messing around - if you're happy and you know it say 'johnny depp'!

i will be most upset if the sun suddenly comes out next week whilst i'm back at work....... in the meantime however, i have loads to keep me busy here!!

Wednesday, 30 May 2007

half term...

half term is racing away with us at the speed of knotts.... children and i are having a fantastic time. spending time with mutual friends/their mums - very relaxing. getting lie ins, staying up late, watching pirates of the carribean at the cinema late at night, doing 5 mile walks in the pouring rain through woods and by rivers..... whilst in the meantime i have a chest infection and exaggerated asthma!! lol it just has to be done!

i woke up this morning having the most delightful dream about eating a chocolate profiterole from my fridge..... no calories in dreams! in this dream my fridge was full of all sorts of delights.... unfortunately when i awoke i realised it was all a mirage and that all we have is healthy stuff.... good me! today a group of friends had decided to lounge around in the sun for a picnic whilst the kids merrily played in the sunshine..... however we awoke to torrential rain and had a quick change of plan to going for a walk along the river and in the woods around the corner from our house. we have the most beautiful park and river/woods two minutes around the corner from us - we call it our back garden - it's the most beautiful place..... it was hammering down so i decided to go dressed as a country outdoors type!!! in my case this consisted of my red burberry mac and my red rubber doctor martin style wellington boots with turned up jeans.... i am aspiring to becoming a lady but constantly not hitting the mark!! i also got the opportunity to use my new and lovely umbrella i bought the other day.....

despite the weather we had a most lovely walk - whilst the adults strolled and chatted the children went for little adventurous climbs and searches in the woods, we all stood enamoured by the baby ducklings for ages not noticing the rain... they really enjoyed themselves. we all took our picnic food round to bo's and had it around the table. really lovely socialising for both children and adults. i sat huddled under a blanket for the afternoon and then bo and i and our children went out for dinner to a local eatery.... very yummy caesar salad - i really love those.

half term can go one of two ways - sometimes it can have you tearing your hair out trying to entertain them or it can go like this week with lots of socialising and great fun for the children. i'm having a great time. it's so lovely for the children to have so much of your presence and to be able to run over every now and then for cuddles and to be near you - mine hardly see me in term time. and it's so lovely to be able to be there for them and focus on making their week as much fun as possible for them. the working mum road is paved with mass guilt....

i'm really impressed with how much of a recovery i am making from my m.e. i can remember last summer being laid up most of the time and completely intolerant to noise and light.... even with a chest infection and asthma i have now i could just get up and get on with it and go out for a long walk. i really dislike having to live within any confines so i push my stamina levels all the time so that i am able to do more and more - it seems to be working well..... it was so pants for the kids having me so ill. they had to be virtually self organising or be taken out by someone. we're all enjoying all the stuff we're doing this week - in particular being outside alot with no time restrictions.... i just don't want it to end......

Monday, 28 May 2007


yesterday i was completely blissed out on having a child free day. i dropped my little ones off at 8 am to my friend's who took them off camping overnight. they were so excited, although telling me they would miss me. we are so close and have not been apart very often. but for me it was a little holiday in the midst of my busy life....

i got home had a bacon sandwich and cup of tea - peaceful breakfasts where i don't have to get up and get drinks for them and find stuff for them is such a rarety - it was lovely. had a nice long bath then set off for church. it was a good talk - lovely worship. talk was about desiring god not just his power and not coming in on sunday asking for his power then putting a do not disturb sign on your door for the rest of the week... god gave me more revelation on treasure in jars of clay.... the treasure is a mixture of the precious stones he uses to rebuild us (isaiah 54), pearls (wisdom he gives us); his presence described in revelations as being like emerald, jasper, carnelian and that indwelling presence in us...

i summoned my strength and went for a wander around town in the afternoon. god certainly is healing my m.e. i am able to do so much more..... i had a fantastic time buying some clothes - got some real bargains and it was such a treat to be able to wander around the shops child free...

chuckled with god a bit in the afternoon at the prospect of going to church in the evening en route to going out with friends..... there was a talk on relationships in the evening and i found it quite funny that i would be going there all dolled up on my way out looking like a desperate single parent keen to get a man!! i found this funny. even funnier when i actually turned up looking like a poor replica of madonna in her holiday phase! i got some ace bangles yesterday!! some cool FUBU 3/4 lengths - go ghetto me! lol some stunning linen trousers for £7 in TK MAXX and an array of lovely tops and some lovely new lipsticks.... i do love shopping! there is one plus side to having rheumatism - although i can hold quite a lot - i can't completely overdo it - as it really hurts me to carry it - so there does come a natural stop point - but it's always still when i've spent rather a lot!!

church was great in the evening - i love my pastor - he's lovely. he did a really good job of giving the talk on christian perspective to relationships with very pragmatic tips. i actually think that there is a whole dating crisis in society - it's not just in the church - i have stunningly beautiful female friends who can't find men... i put it down to the breakdown in the extended family/community and the absence of the match makers in the communities - as of days of old. i think internet dating is the new match maker - but very randomly and often deviently so.... i put forward my idea for a christian dating psychometric test - if i could only work out how to do that i could patent it and make a fortune!!
there was a lot of pain in the room - people who had been holding out for years..... and i think the pastor dealt with it very well - urging proactive approach to dating and outlining the key principles of a committed relationship....

i have just got to the point now where i am completely surrendered. and i think a place of maturity with him. i was so fearful last night about it all - yet today my key thoughts are - he is faithful when we put our trust in him - and perfect love casts out all fear. i love this poem:

Do not fear the cutting knife.
Do not shrink in pain.
Let the red drops of they life,
Fall like bleeding rain.
That which thou to death dost give,
Is the seed which yet shall live.

Do not fear the winter’s breath.
Let the seed drop to the earth.
Everything laid down to death,
Waits a resurrection birth.
Let the flower drop; on the thorn.
Fairer glories shall be born.

Do not try to hold life’s joys,
Or the past year’s golden store.
Love it is, who thus destroys,
To make room for so much more.
Love it is with radiant face,
Leading to a wealthier place.

Do not let self pity bleed,
Bitterness, nor fierce regret.
These are worms which kill the seed,
And sad misery beget.
With a willing heart, let go.
God will richer gifts bestow.

Learn the lesson, fast or slow.
This is Heaven’s law.
We must let the old things go.
To make room for more.
We shall reap in some glad way
Fairer joys than lost today.

By Hannah Hurnard
From: Mountains of Spices

i have come to learn with god that there are two ways to go when he is doing something - struggling - which makes it more painful or willingly and utterly surrendered - quicker and shorter, sharper pain.

my friend kate has been absolutely fantastic - as i know she has travelled this path before me.... she is now married to an amazing guy who has just loved her thro her struggles - he is such a darling. she, like me, was scared to death at the prospect of opening herself up to a relationship - since we have both experienced the hurt that someone can cause you and potentially how you are opening yourself up to that again. i was so full of fear last night and unable to sleep. but i'm glad god instructed me to go out but not get merry last night, as my falling over friends and colleagues were! as it's made it possible for him to do amazing stuff today. it's lovely for me to be able to smile directly in his face and say - do whatever you need to do - i trust you! i was so not in that place last night. thanks to my counsellor also who bore with me in that process last night (you know who you are!)

talking of last night - i cannot believe that people who i line manage were offering me spliffs last night! flip! and one of my volunteer's brothers was desperately trying to make a play for me but my evasive body language came well into play! i have very stringent professional boundaries.... you have to! lol jacquie and i had much more fun dancing to goldfrapp in the car whilst i drove her home!! we have come to the conclusion that the only way to get to dance to music you like is to play it in your own lounge or car!!

my babies will be home shortly and we have their friends coming for a sleep over tonight - so the order of the day is to go collecting wood in the park so we can have a fire as promised and trying to wear them all out before 10 pm. these children coming over have some stamina and like to stay up all night!!! i can feel a few games of star wars monopoly coming on.... looks like the holiday is over with avengeance as of tonight!! lol but this has been such a welcome little window of respite in the midst of my hectic life - i really have appreciated it.

looking forward to a week of no work, seeing lots of friends and enjoying more holiday...

Friday, 25 May 2007


god is doing some major heart surgery on me at the moment - the details of which i won't reveal here. it is causing me to go to a place of complete surrender - which i am finding so difficult , since to do so i would become completely vulnerable...

however - today at a women's group at church god gave me a revelation of the passage in jeremiah about the potter and the clay..... in that passage - god is calling for complete surrender - so that he can remould parts of us that need it. in the passage it ensues that israel wants to continue in stubborness of heart... in the next chapter god's next instruction to jeremiah is to take a clay and smash it to pieces. this made me sit up! my unwillingness to surrender has consequences in god showing his disapproval....

if i surrender - then god makes me into a beautiful jar of clay - and in me he puts treasure.... treasure in jars of clay......

Monday, 21 May 2007


i have started my own personal detox. and no, i won't be having pipes pushed up my bottom or anything as militant as that - no colonic irrigation ere thanks!!

i've just realised that my planning is really poor. i have decided to cut out sugar and alcohol just as i reach PMT def con 1 level in my cycle!! at this time of the month i feel like i'm in need of about 40 packets of maltesers and should be drip fed chocolate.... however, i am citing the mantra 'my body is my temple' - meanwhile the real me is sitting down with a nice bottle of red wine, fried egg sandwich and chocolate!!

My 'detox' is in no way militant - it involves no sugar and no alcohol, no fizzy drinks, lots of water, no caffeine (do that anyway) and lots of healthy nutritious food - well at least until sunday when group of friends are going out for a night out..... back to hip hop place where i feel old but pretend i'm young and drink gin and tonic, dance and have a good chat/laugh with friends!! one night off the detox wagon... well it is a bank holiday!

having m.e. and some form of rheumatism that i'm awaiting a consultant appointment (for months now) to diagnose - i need to readjust my eating to try and maintain levels of energy and with the rheumatism i've been told an 'exclusion diet' can have remarkable effect. i have in the last week cut out tomatoes and citrus fruit. mind you i will have lime in my gin and tonic at the weekend!! i'm not that good!

my colleague very kindly today brought me in a book around nutrition to beat arthritic illnesses. another colleague at work assisted her step-father back to health from cancer with the help of nutrition.... it's fascinating stuff. mind u if this is a militant diet not sure how far i will get with it!! for me cutting out sugar and eating healthily helps me to create a balance and optimise energy levels - however way too often this important nutritional information is forgotten in the face of chocolate or a biscuit at a meeting at work!! let's see how it goes!....

i have discovered jill scott this weekend who all my friends have discovered ages ago - i've heard quite a lot of her stuff but am really enraptured with a few tunes.... it's stunningly sensually heavenly music - it's filling a gap right now...!! and at this time of the month there is one to be filled!! *sigh*

Sunday, 20 May 2007


it was not a joyful start to the day today... i had had an unexpected dinner invite yesterday and spent the most pleasant evening with friend, all our children, dinner, mr merlot and a lovely fire in the garden...

it would seem that mr merlot and i became far too well acquainted unbeknown to me... and i awoke with a somewhat hammering head! as i lay in bed saying 'lord?.... Lord?.... LORD?'... in my head i felt drawn to the notion of leaving my bed and going to church - which was not my first choice. 'i have something i want to tell you... go.' so after a couple of paracetamol i heeded the call!!

i was really pleased today - reminiscing on the way to church how hard it was with my m.e. just to walk to the building and how much easier it was becoming... after settling the children i went back downstairs and opened my heart up to god.

this was not an opening of heart of complete surrender today.... this was a venting of spleen opening of heart and telling it how it is!! god opened a desire in my heart last year for another partner - this had been so closed for the duration of my separation, divorce and subsequent hardening of heart, closing of all protective barriers around me..... in the first instance i was fully able to offer my desire back to god, indeed just sacrifice it back...and for the most part it has been left there.... but today i had to tell him that this was something that i really want. i mean, for one, i have come to the conclusion that celibacy is the most unnatural state to be in and boy..... mine is prolonging...!!! secondly i think it would be amazing to have someone to share your journey with - to both seek god's vision and wisdom and direction for life.... and have sex..... and be joined together for a purpose and to love and be loved... and have sex.... and laugh and chill together and go out together and stay in together and talk and be silent together and hold each other and... no longer be celibate... and consider them beautiful and be beheld by them... of course not more than you lord, i am not asking them to replace you or to find my all in them, but lord, i'm not pulling any punches here - i want a man lord! and i don't want any old riff raff i want a special, spiritual, beautiful hearted, intelligent, interesting one, with a great sense of humour (trouble is all men think they have that!! lol) ....the one you made for me man! of course my list of characteristics is significantly longer but that's between be and god!!....

this was what god had to listen to from me today - plus other rantings!! i challenged god to bring this man to me!

then - much to my surprise - god started to talk to me about joy.... not a man! not the vision and expectation of broken celibacy... but joy!!! i had the most beautiful time with him - sitting in his presence and being led little by little to relevant scriptures with which he was speaking his heart to me....

first and foremost: jeremiah 15: 16 'when i found your words, i devoured them; your words made me glad they gave me joy...'

zephanaiah 3: 14-17: sing, daughter of tziyon! should, isra'el! be glad and rejoice with all your heart daughter of yerushalayim! adonai has removed the judgments against you, he has expelled your enemy; the king of isra'el, adonai, is right there wi6th you. you no longer need to fear that anything bad will happen. on that day, it will be said to yerushalayim,

"do not fear, tziyon! do not let your hands droop down.
adonai your god is right there with you as a mighty savior.
he will rejoice over you and be glad,
he will be silent in his love,
he will shout over you with joy'.

then john 15: 9 - 'just as my father has loved me, i too have loved you; so stay in my love. if you keep my commands, you will stay in my love - just as i have kept my fahter's commands and stay in his love. i have said this to you so that my joy may be in you and your joy complete'

so god managed, just as only he can, to refocus me..... towards joy..... now that was amazing whilst sitting in his presence still and undisturbed....

what came later was children, children's friends, children's friend's parents dropping their child off way before you had arranged and picking them up way later... loads of broken glasses, but then a really enjoyable trip to the park preceded by walking with children's friend who will not listen or do as she's park i had to exercise supernanny style discipline on a sand throwing son of mine using whatever resource i could find available for a time out area - and he's so great he did it (or i'm so scary... one or the other!!) with onlooking parkers.... and at times you're just thinking to yourself 'just flippin well listen' or 'give me a break!' and it's those places i need to find further joy in. my children in themselves are a real joy. sometimes when you have other children over it accentuates how good yours are (or vice versa in some areas) - they listen, do as they're told, tidy up, don't need to be forced to say please or thank you, are intelligent, questioning children who have fabulous senses of humour, great personalities, great senses of right and wrong - but being a single parent is such a long hard road sometimes and i feel to some extent my joy is flagging. and this is simply due to being their sole carer, breadwinner, it's an intense and tiring relationship when you're doing it alone..... so i think god does need to bring someone into my life - however you have new relationships with children on board - he alone can know but i think it's about time.... if you're listening lord!! and i did have a fantastic cuddle today with baby florence who is nearly 2 months old - got her off to sleep and sat with her asleep on me for ages absolutely blissed out by cuddling this baby and i thought.... given the right circumstances i would do this again!!.... (dangerous!!)

this sense of joy is with me. i look forward to seeing what god will do.... and in the meantime i continue to strive to find contentment whatever the circumstances.... even if the slugs have eaten all my plants in the greenhouse thingy without me noticing...... gits!

Thursday, 17 May 2007


God has been teaching me resilience for a number of years now, particularly as a single parent - this has been the key way that he has been able to strengthen my character in this respect....

more recently my son, Santana, has become my teacher in respect of this word. i was feeling a bit sorry for myself on tuesday morning following burying my dad's ashes. thinking about how tough it was having to go to work amidst all the sorrow.... as we got into the car to take the children to school it was pouring with rain. My daughter, Ophir, remarked 'mummy it was terrible that time someone smashed into our car and we had to walk all the way to the police station and back.' 'yes,' interjected Santana, 'we had to walk four miles, and it was pouring with rain, but we kept going and kept going didn't we mummy.... that's resilience.'

'Wow, that's right Santana,' I say startled, 'where did you learn that word ?'
'In assembley, Miss Murray was talking about resilience.'
'What does it mean Santana?'
'It means keeping going and going until you reach your goal.'
'Well done, Santana. You have used that word brilliantly, in context.'

Little did he know that this was the key message i needed to hear that day. Out of the mouths of babes indeed! i really love it when my children correct me, teach me and reframe my thinking. they are such amazing little people who have such insight at times.

later that day i got an e-mail from a teaching colleague whose father had died the day before mine. i had sent an e-mail the week before to say 'thinking of you, hope you're ok.' their e-mail listed members of family who had been rushed into hospital and suffered horrendous illness in the aftermath of her father's death and it didn't sound like she'd had a moment to stop.... or even take breath. it certainly put everything into perspective for me. other than having to sort out a birthday party for 25 children, everything else has run smoothly for us. the children have been well for the most part and god has held me tight in a bubble of protection.

and looking forward.... things can only get better on saturday when chelsea win the FA cup final!! mind you... based on their most recent performances, it may be just another chance to show some resilience the next day...!

Monday, 14 May 2007

the day arrived...

the day arrived that i had been so dreading. the sun came out for us. a break in the storm. as we gathered and began the short ceremony a plane flew overhead. very relevant for my dad who had flown planes until the age of 75.

my children stood so beautifully with flowers. we chose 3 red roses - one from each of us and a pot of forget me nots. i have no real idea what the man said... although it was something to make emotion surge from me at turbo speed and embarrassingly make the most crying noise... these tears were far from silent today. my children comforted - as did my sister-in-law.

most beautifully and what my father would have been so delighted for was me and my birth mother talking (more than saying hello) for the first time in 5 years. that was much appreciated from my point of view... it must have been a shock for her to see her granchildren in such close proximity... my father longed for a reconciliation. i hope that this will come. i have thrown in the olive branch on numberous occasions but it has constantly been declined.... i know it took some courage for her to approach us. she helped ophir lay the roses - the first time she has spoken to her granchild ever. it was amazing...

"And I said to the one who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the Unknown.' And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.'" those were the finishing remarks that I heard the man say as I began to compose myself again...

my children are hilarious. their mirth, energy, joy, is only ever temporarily interrupted by knocks or bumps or quarrells or disputes or discipline. from which they bounce back almost instantaneously... they are amazing little people. so matter of fact. santana at the beginning said 'how are you going to fit grampie in that small hole' to the man from the funeral company taking the ceremony... then by the end of the gathering both santana and ophir had their heads in the hole saying repeatedly 'good bye grampie, good bye grampie, good bye grampie....' very joyously and then running off doing handstands and playing pretend football. just how he would have had it...

Bye dad. You are gone but never forgotten x

Music of the day: these songs completely sum up my mood and outlook for the day...


There ain't no space and time
To keep our love alive
We have existense and it's all we share
There ain't no real truth
There ain't no real lies
Keep on pushin' 'cause I know it's there

Oh, can you just tell me
It's all right (It's all right)
Let me sleep tonight
Oh, can you comfort me
Tonight (It's all right)
Make it all seem fine

I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no

There'll be no lullabies
There'll be no tears cried
We feel numb 'cause we don't see
That if we really care
And we really loved
Think of all the joy we'd feel

Oh, can you just tell me
It's all right (It's all right)
Let me sleep tonight
Oh, can you comfort me
Tonight (It's all right)
Make it all seem fine

I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no

Ain't got no lullaby, no, no
Ain't got no lullaby, oh, no
There is no space and time
Oh lord
There is no space and time
Oh lord

We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there


As though you were born
And so you thought
The future's ours
To keep and hold
A child within
Has healing ways
It sees me through
My darkest days

I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine

In my lucid dreams
In my lucid dreams

Walking now
Through life no fun
I want to feel
I want to run

I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine

In my lucid dreams
In my lucid dreams

I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
Keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly

In my private dreams
In my private dreams
In my private dreams
My lucid dreams
My forgotten schemes
I see through you
You see through me
I see through you
You see through me
Be with me
Be with me
I see through you
You see through me
I see through you
You see through me

To be in your eyes
To be in your eyes


One day maybe we will dance again
Under fiery skies
One day maybe you will love again
Love that never dies

One day maybe you will see the land
Touch skin with sand
You've been swimming in the lonely sea
With no company

Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The roads, the highs, breaking up your life
Can't you hear this beauty in life?

One day maybe you will cry again
Just like a child
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end

Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The times, the highs, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?

Oh, you're too afraid to touch
Too afraid you'll like it too much
The roads, the times, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?

One day maybe I will dance again
One day maybe I will love again
One day maybe we will dance again
You know you've gotta
Tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end
One day maybe you will love again
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end

Saturday, 12 May 2007

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here's some i prepared earlier

thanks to all who have commented on my writing style.... v. kind of you... in order to supply your demands here are some i prepared earlier.... a couple of highlights of 2006.... easily copied and pasted for your viewing and comments.... i enjoy writing but have never really believed in myself as a writer... but it's something i should continue to do - hence the blog.... hope you enjoy...

Above me
is a small square
in the sky
far above
showing a reflection
of heaven glimmering
as i lay with outstretched arms
i see your spirit descend
a dancing dove
as my soul rises to meet it

rays of light
as the dove
and my soul
this is prayer.


There is but one true lover of my soul
long standing
the other half
who makes me whole.
Surrendered totally
even when His love
is unreciprocated
by my hardened heart.

He loves me
softens my hardness
with a kiss.
Owns my heart.
Holds it freely.
Yet I withdraw it not
though silence prolongs
the inevitable choice
to reciprocate His affection.

I sigh
I begin to yield.
He loves me
and I love
and desire Him...
even when I fool myself
that I can close my heart
to Him.


My body longs for sunshine
Direct glorious sunshine.
Rays of light
To pierce the darkened gloom
And reveal the tapestry
Where each stitch unveils its own hidden narrative
Beneath the story’s whole.

Each story has a hidden narrative
A subtext
Like today when he stripped me bare
With one carefully loaded blow
The type that pierce deeply the hidden locations
That can only be penetrated from a position of trust
Of all your pain.

To cut and deform
To be made into the image
That they alone can comprehend
Control and decry.

Revealing your sense of worthlessness
To be again rendered worthless
By another who takes pleasure
In the depreciation of the body
Where once they lay in appreciation
Underneath the fullness of the sun’s shine
Shadowed by the room
Whose walls secretly witnessed
His rapture of every inch of my skin
Whilst he revelled in the flesh
He sought to possess without fruition.

When the sun comes again
I shall rest in the shade of my true love
The apple tree whose fruit is sweet to me.
Sunshine – ripen me.


I am naked before Him
Stripped to my very essence
With a marred heart and a bruised constitution.
I am not delighted by the suffering I endure
But willingly lay myself down to Him.
I run to the secret place
Where once my soul rested contentedly –
A butterfly cocooned that learnt to fly.

I am in the womb of my maker
Becoming refashioned

I am the clay in His hands
Becoming reshaped

I am within His heart
Becoming part of His heartbeat

Yet now I am disfigured
A colourless sense of abandonment
That runs deep within
Whilst my eyes see the reality of Him.

I am never forsaken
Nor abandoned
But forever accepted by Him.
He is my lifeline –
The umbilical cord between eternity and the real me
Which is curled up within
Awaiting my birth.

My soul runs deep with a passion for Him
Yet I feel the constraints of my present reality
Confined by my humanity.
I am so bound to my natural man
That my heart cries to see the chains broken
That my heart may run free.

I am desperate for the time
When I can reverse
That which has been imposed on me.
My whole inner being cries out for the day
When I shall truly be free.


there is a voice calling
there is a voice whispering
there is a voice comforting
there is a voice instructing

Listen through the woods
and the path of unknowing.
Listen in the pastures of peace.
Listen as life unfolds its great adventure.
Listen as life seems worthless.

Listen when the dark night of the soul approaches
and silence is the only sound.
Listen as the new dawn awakens
and we herald a new horizon.

Listen as the last trumpet
begins to sound
and the call becomes even stronger.
Listen as the Spirit
awakens our souls
to rekindle and revive our attentiveness.
Listen to the sound of oil lamps burning
ever ready for the bridegroom.

Listen to the still deep peace
as His voice exudes within our hearts.
Heed the call of the voice
to obedience and instruction.
Await His guiding voice.
Listen every day without failing
and focus yourself
to listen.


i am formed by the hand of God.
fashioned with purpose
for the will of God
designed with care
and eternal qualities
in mind
made as a dwelling place
for his spirit
to enable me
to ever live
in his presence
to choose him
above all else
to choose truth
over falsehood
the divine
over the earthly
and destiny
over my choice...


I am so loved by You
Deeply enriched
Daily clothed in love’s banner
Regardless of conscious contact.

I am so adored by you
Termed blessed
A lily among thorns
The apple of your eye

I am so esteemed by You
No stone cast
No eye removed
Just wholly forgiven


Certain disappointment fades eloquently
Whilst striking its deathly blow in my mind’s eye.
Sorrow stalls
Where the river flows.
Mountains stumble
Sunsets fade
Horizons blur their view
All the rewards of nature
Hold sweetly
The serene diadem bereft

So so suddenly
Without reprisal
Without scandal
Or superficial rationale
Besides the trowel
Where history digs deeply
Is unveiled the one true warrior
Of sanctification.
Whilst streets hold still their latent breath
And civilization pauses in a collective sigh of exhaustion
Take me to the higher ground.


Why does sorrow hold my heart
Like a tenant
Why does my heart beat onwards
For that withheld company
So far removed from me.

Why is despair not my friend
In this hopeless
For what is not imminently mine.

Why has my life so loveless been.
It is only in giving love that I am truly loved.
Love loves me
But a physical companion withholds.

There is none so perfect
Who can to my standards attain
To the romance I long for
Or its sentiment sustain.

I am lonely
For love.


How can one keep warm alone
When the winter winds surround the soul
Embedding it with
The longest, darkest, coldest night
It has ever known.

It seeps within my very being
Reminiscent of the little match girl
Lighting match after match
Envisioning a divine warmth
For eternity.

How can I keep warm alone
Without someone to hold me.
The longing and yearning for his touch
Consuming me
With its desire.

My head cupped by his hands
Whilst his legs surround me.
Cushioned in the warmth I long for.


You alone satisfy
My heart resigns
As self-satisfaction evades me once more
And I find the fullest contentment
In one second of your presence
And the presence of your peace.


Thursday, 10 May 2007

gone daddy gone....

He is not dead! Not my father.... not my dad.... he is not dead....he is not gone...

From shock to denial - never anger - i tread daily in the sorrow that opens my heart like a vulnerable bleeding wound of sadness....

When they told me i said 'please repeat that... are you telling me dad has died....'

grief. there is no need to reintroduce yourself to me. i have met you before. travelled a well-worn road with you. sorrow has reaquainted himself with me. tears - they issue themselves freely. so many tears have i cried.

but my father is not gone! not my father!

your coffin was so beautiful. adorned with the most beautiful red roses. woven willow adorned your body. that was not you... it cannot be. not my father. not you.

deep from within me a child shrieks at top voice - 'MY FATHER IS NOT DEAD'. i do not want the proof on monday when i see your earthly body reduced to ashes. we ARE dust. but that is not my father. my grief is heightened..... not my father.... i do not want you in that box. i want you back with me. i want you. i do not want to let you go.

time. stop. rewind. reverse. turn around. stop world. give him back to me. tears. stop. joy. return. sorrow. flee. grief. be gone. return to me the sound of his voice. return to me the company. return to me our conversations. return to me our love. return to me our empathy. return to me our support. return to me the encouragement. return to me the happiness. return to me the laughter. return to me the wisdom. return to me my father.

grave - open yourself and return him to me....

death i hate your duality. my loss is his gain. my sorrow is his joy. my pain is his peace. he lives on whilst temporarily a piece of me dies....

music reduces me to tears. the phone ringing jogs an impossible reaction that he may be calling. i cry. there is noone to discuss the football with. i cry. noone to tell me the weather forecast. it's too trivial to represent the real you. but that made you you. you gave me so much more. the politics. the love. the care. the concern. the wisdom. the advice. the quest for justice. the honesty. the truth. the morals. the compassion. the football! the weather! the history. the stories. the importance. the life. the education. the love. love is a doing word..... you have two eyes. two ears. one mouth. use them in that proportion. listen and watch twice as much as you speak.

so behind me i hear a voice. an echo of the past. it says 'come on love'. 'come on love'. 'come on love.' it says 'you look after those children.' 'they are most important.' 'where are you going on holiday this year love. give those kids a good time'. you shrink at the thought of causing any sorrow. you would hate to see me reduced to tears. you would hate to have a detrimental impact on my life. and the same for me with my children when i pass. i would hate to destroy them emotionally by not being here.

so i lift up my eyes. i see your character. i see your wishes. and i know what you would be thinking and saying right now. i lift my breaking heart. i dry my tears. and i move ever forwards in the life you would have me live. it is a wonderful world. despite appearances. and this life is mine for living. you bequeath for me. so that me and my children may know some joy. santana continues his football. ophir continues her imagination. it would all give you joy. i continue to work. we continue to live. we are starting to look forward. but we will never leave you behind or forgotten...

... beyond me. there is an everlasting father.... he is my eternal dwelling place. and underneath are the everlasting arms. one day. we will all be together. all who have gone before us. all who come behind us. there will be no more sorrow. no more pain. no more sickness. we will live in His presence forever.

Tuesday, 8 May 2007


Today I had the fortune of having a child unable to attend school.... I really didn't want to go back to work today so welcomed the authentic excuse to stay off!!

I spent the afternoon in my garden..... and managed to catch up on some weeding that I haven't got round to doing whilst my little one slept. I am now also on a race to get certain plants I've been nurturing planted so that I can allow myself to get some more!! I follow a very strict reward system for myself!!

This is one of my favourite times in the garden and in particular for one flower, the alium. Mine are now starting to burst out and take their cylindrical shape... so every day is alium watch - i am the bill oddie of the purple flower...! I get such a pleasure from these plants - they give me joy to look at.

Last year I landscaped my back garden and planted masses of trees and shrubs to get the basic structure in. I am now taking the time to start to plant the flowers I want in the garden and am trying to develop a 'purple garden'. I'm equally trying to develop a garden that won't take too much watering so am using lots of lavender and wanting to think about a french style of planting with flowers that can cope with arid conditions.... I have masses of twisted willows planted to make screening - today they were swaying merrily in the wind and were like an adventure playground for lots of pretty birds who danced and jumped around in them. I love these trees but they do have a tendency to go completely bonkers!! In fact whilst trying to weed one area today and plant new plants I became completely entwined in one today!! I'm not a tree hugger - trees are hugging me!!

I have potted up another 10 trees today (just in case I didn't think I had enough!!) I'm running out of mini greenhouse space for my veg that's coming along so I need to start selling some bits and bobs on - in my fundraising efforts for my childrens' ex nursery's summer fete - which is one of the most fantastic nurturing places for little ones. Every chance I have to give something back to them I do...

I now want to learn how to take cuttings from my twisted willows as I have the vague idea of bringing some on and selling them to friends and donating the money to an overseas charity dealing with famine relief/water aid. we all have to do our little bit.

Something amazing happens when I put my hands in soil..... I seem to enter a different space.... i become completely engrossed, kind've grounded, and creative all in one.... I really do enjoy it.

I find some sense of spirituality in gardening. I like to make conntections between my garden and me. My garden as a representation of me..... For example: I weed with vigour - just how I would like God to deal with me. I am starting to collect some plants that have a biblical reference: e.g. I have an olive tree in a pot - 'But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.' Psalm 52 v 8. The theme of purple (with dashes of scarlet) is inspired by Proverbs 31 - A Woman of Noble Character. I have bought some hyssop seeds which I will propogate tomorrow Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean', Psalm 51 v 7.

I have a thought about how I would like to get as many of the plants from the Song of Songs as possible into my garden..... that is one my most favourite books in the bible because of the amazing intimacy between us and our beloved. In particular I really like the way that Hannah Hurnard made an association between the nine spices named in song of songs Songs 4: 13 and 14 and the fruits of the spirit (Gal 5:22) ...

'You are an orchard that puts forth pomegranates and other precious fruits, henna and nard - nard, saffron and aromatic cane, cinnamon and all kinds of frankincense trees, myrrh, aloes, all the best spices. You are a garden fountain, a spring of running water, flowing down from the L'vanon' Song of Songs 4: 3-14

pomegranate is love, camphire is joy, spikenard is peace, saffron is longsuffering, calamus is gentleness, cinnamon is goodness, frankinsense is faith, myrrh is meekness, aloes is self-control.

It would be lovely to create those smells in my garden but I'm only an amateur and not up to the job I don't think!! imagine that culmination of smells....

is this why it says in Corinthians "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life." 2 Corinthians 2:14

Imagine what a fragrance we can be to God....

Song of Songs 4: 16: the beloved says: 'Awake, north wind! Come south wind! Blow on my garden to spread its fragrance. let my darling enter his garden and eat its finest fruit'.

A good friend, the other day, referred to the beloved inviting the north winds and the south as the surrender to all of life's circumstances. Both the warm south winds - the place of comfort with God and also the North winds which are harsh and cold and symbolise the place of dicomfort, harsh situations. Often situations that God can use to grow us! That all will result in a fragrant offering to God....

lots of food for thought for me there.....

Monday, 7 May 2007

Bank Holiday Weekend

Right... everyone is up to this malarky these days so i thought i would give it a go and see how long it lasts....

in this world where everything is denoted as text i could post my shopping lists, make note of my perceptions and reactions to my day, talk about my plants... and bore so many people to tears all in one go - all in the name of art!

Bank Holiday Monday..... miserable, windy, rainy day. Having a bad M.E. day - partly attributed to going out to a friend's party on friday night - followed by a stint at a really great wine bar in the inner city hosting freestyle hip hop and mcing.... how shocked was i when i entered (feeling the beats of my late teens) to realise how old i was when i cought sight of all the young women! but that didn't stop me from enjoying myself and knowing i was young once!!

came home very gin induced and ended up chatting to a friend until the early hours....

saturday - what a day!!! my daughter's 5th birthday. such a proud day for her to reach the pinnacle of 5. we had madly invited 25 children to share her day with her and had organised children's workers from church to come and entertain the troops. i spent all day preparing food, opening presents with my daughter, making sure they were all washed and ready for 3 pm.... all with a mild hangover!! ophir turned up looking like macy gray but with barbie dress and shoes! 3 hours of bedlam and excitement ensued..... face painting, games with parachutes, party food, crafty activities - decorating boxes, musical bumps and statues (i had to join in at this point), cake and all sorts of merriment. it was a good day... ophir fell asleep about 11 pm whilst we were on our 5th and final charlie and lola story.... i love charlie and lola!!

sunday: church and playing with new toys.... getting a bratz doll out of its box is an olympic event... whoever had the idea that you should bind all plastic toys tightly with as much wire and string as possible ? whoever it was - get a life!!!!

church was an amazing experience yesterday... god spoke into the depths of my heart. i love the sound of his voice as it comforts my soul. brings relief to my fears and mends all that is broken (even though i hadn't realised it was). my heart is held safe in his hands... whilst his healing oil flows through me. i am like clay in his hand - he moulds, remoulds and forms me as he sees fit... i lean fully on his chest, my lover, he is my beloved and i am his... he knows my frame, knows everything about me... before i even issue a word he knows it, knows me intimately, intricately, formed me and i love him.

as i sit by the pool of bathesda the lord send his angels to stir up the water... he holds my heart firmly yet with soft care. he comes to me. asks what i would have him do. then speaks his counsel gently into the heart of me. i absorb his wisdom and allow him to have his way with me. wherever his spirit is - there is freedom, or freedom becomes. it is good to be near god.

he challenges me. he has the ability to take every ugly part of me, every broken part of me, every hurting part of me and turn it into the complete opposite to his glory. i have never known another ability to completely transform darkness to light, fear to peace, sorrow to joy, beauty for ashes. wherever we are - whatever our season is - all we need to do is just wait. wait, find our praises to him in that situation, find thankfulness for all we have, and not allow resentment or bitterness or self-pity, etc to take hold and disjoin our union with him. every day we have so much to give thanks for. for the roof over our head, the food we have, the water we drink from our taps - all of this we take for granted whilst others in the world die needlessly each day. everything is relative, but relatively we have it really good.

we can never deny our struggles, our hard times, but we can always affirm god's provision in the thick of this and look back at times where he has brought us through before. he will always bring deliverance. he is victorious over all.

i am anticipating a good and interesting year ahead... god is doing a transforming work in me..... to lead me on to my next path which i am to tread..... it's exciting. but at each stage i have to find the secret of being content in him no matter the circumstances, whether in want or plenty, full or hungry, rich or poor - i have to find the secret of being content whatever the circumstances... being content with what i have - rather than nurturing a sense of lacking for that which i am without.....

Monday: I have made up this blog, played with my children - watched them play together, withstood another day of my daughter's bratz boom box i bought her for her birthday - and another round of girls aloud!! she feels so grown up. each morning when she awakes she tells me she is 5... bless! and now i'm off to transplant my courgettes, cucumbers and tomatoe plants into bigger pots and erect my new little greenhouse thingy - they are so tricky so that should be fun for a D.I. Don't like me!!

This is quite fun actually. Apologies if it makes poor reading by blogging standards... i guess it's a kind of stream of consciousness style of writing.... interesting.