single parentdom....

a lot of people have recently been asking me how i ended up as a single parent..... and it's not the easiest thing to talk about face to face or online..... as the following potted history shows... i have been parenting alone since 2002 - since my daughter was born. 5 years.... but i'll take you back a little while. make sure you have the stomach for this.... sometimes it's easier not to ask....

in 1999 i was sitting outside my flat every day reading books to help with my masters dissertation. i lived in what they call the 'ghetto' area of bristol. st pauls, a lovely place whose landscape was changing swiftly by an influx of yardies (men from jamaica of the gangsta variety). i had lovely neighbours, we laughed we talked, shared gardening tips, looked out for each other.... over the road from me was a lovely older woman called 'aunty'.... she was very friendly, always admiring my studying, decorating of my flat, described as a 'nice person'.... respected within the community as 'a nice person who didn't get involved in any mix up'. in the summer of that year her nephew came to visit.... i would politely say hello, we shared the odd chats and i didn't think very much else about it. he was softly spoken, had a lovely body, nice smile, but didn't resound with me as someone i would be interested in..... we got chatting more and more, he was shy, sweet, funny, a bit guarded, helpful....... we went out together a few times, got to know each other...... a few months later... one day he came over to see me, letter in hand, shy, hesitant...... he gave me the letter and asked me to read it.....

i can't remember everything that letter said now, but it was a little declaration of afffection, contained nice details about how he liked me, found me beautiful, wanted to be with me..... he started to tell me more about his life in jamaica and how he wanted to settle here. i wasn't really into the idea of marrying him. i had vowed to myself that i would never marry a yardie.... but he seemed different. seemed almost faithful, quiet, nothing dangerous.....

that night we entered into an intimate relationship and within a short while he moved in and we decided to marry. november 1999 in my gold dress, with beautiful red roses i stood alongside him and vowed to spend my life with him..... at the reception i craved some curried goat and knew i was pregnant, only just, since i had been a vegetarian and the craving for meat had been so profound....

the night of our wedding i practically carried him home drunk..... he became distant, indifferent. the day after our wedding still no intimacy.... we spent the day at his aunt's waiting for his cousin to write invitation letters for his two 'baby mothers' to come to England. He had two children..... or so he told me..... I hadn't really realised what was going on......

He started to stay out late..... his phone would call constantly with women's voices faintly heard.... he talked of friends.... talked of how jamaicans helped each other out.... lied incessantly.... he started to disappear for whole nights, lied, became aggressive, started to tell me i was imagining things, became distant when he chose, we enjoyed lots of intimacy.... it was confusing.

I don't remember the first time he punched me..... but I know I was in the early stages of pregnancy... he had a large gold ring and he punched me in my head for delving into why certain women were following him around a lot..... there was just blood everywhere... a friend took me to hospital out of the direct vicinity and i made up a tale of getting into a fight with some girl......

he lied to me constantly, weaved webs of deception.... punched me, held me up by my throat, threatened my life, then became tender, then told me i was mad, then held me close, then became distant, then disappeared, held me up by my throat pushed against a wall too many times to remember, then told me i didn't understand then told me he was sorry......

the worst punch was one new year's day...... it was our first new year's together... all these people were in our flat for the night, we got no time together and he spent the evening on the phone to donna, his baby mother, in jamaica - i had found a letter from her a few weeks previously - v. graphic almost pornographic......

we argued the next day and i took one punch to my face that made me have to go to hospital again (had already been with a couple of injuries before).... this punch was so hard a massive ball formed on my forhead immediately. i had to leave my 4 month old son with a friend whilst i spent new year's day in casualty having my head x-rayed.....

that punch left me indoors for 3 weeks whilst the bruising bled down my face..... my father came and saw me, friends came me and tried to persuade me to leave. the nurse at the hospital had tried to encourage me to leave but man i was frightened. i was married to a man who had guns at his disposal, moved with the toughtest, he literally was the toughest, the one noone would mess with....... i felt completely trapped. i wanted to think he could change...... after all, it was all my fault. i went to the shops one day within this 3 weeks and people just stopped in their tracks, jaws wide open, gobsmacked at what they were seeing - the state of my face......

by this time i had uncovered that his 2 children in jamaica were 5 and i knew everything, then it was 7 and i knew everything, then 9 and i knew everything...... last count i knew of it was 10 and two grandchildren and that was just in jamaica..... meanwhile in england twins were born two weeks after my son, two miscarriages by other women, another child, and another........

i only found this out after we had been married for two years and he got his indefinite leave to remain in the UK. All the apologies in the meantime, all the excuses, lies and deceit..... that was just all presented as a security for him to get the gold crown he was waiting for.....

it was all over the day he pinned me to the floor - kicked me in my back, punched me to the ground again, knocked me about, held my arms as in a wrench lock, tried to strangle me....... i somehow found the courage to stand up and fight back and insist he went. he immediately had a woman's house to take his stuff to..... and i was left alone...... with a baby, and another on the way........

these are just tasters of my life at that time. in january 2002 me, santana and bump moved to a different, calmer part of town to settle together. i kept believing he would want something to do with the children, but each weekend a new excuse would come.... he let them ddown constantly and gave us no support, or very very little and if he did he seemed to want something in return.... money, sex, cigarettes, anything..... it was all too costly....

ophir was born in may 2002 - as i writhed in the throw of labour he accompanied me into the labour room with his girlfriend (who he referred to as just a friend)..... and he sat yawning and asking how long this baby would take to be born..... eventually the midwife flipped..... when she was born his first words were 'this is my british passport.'

when i was in labour with santana i was left in hospital alone overnight whilst he shagged another woman in my own bed...... two weeks before santana was born he returned from jamaica where he had kicked his babymother so hard in the stomach after an argument that she died in the night.........

i came home from hospital 6 hours after having ophir, santana was 21 months old, i was stitched from here to eternity, left for the first night (not even 24 hours after having her) carrying santana from his bedroom into mine and looking after them alone......

i spent most of my children's early life being stoned out of my head..... i was an absolute and complete mess. he had told me repeatedly i wouldn't cope without him, i had been physically, mentally, emotionally incessantly abused........ it dulled the pain, it stopped the question, it put a bandage over the hurt....... i had my own rules, i wouldn't smoke until they were in bed, but when they were in bed, boy did i smoke........ he and i continued to argue over the children, it was still stressful when we spoke, any conversation would start with him telling me how i had thrown him out of a house he had helped to decorate and hardly lived in...... and that if i had wanted his help i wouldn't have thrown him out.....

along the way i set myself 3 little rules 1. don't ask for anything. 2. don't expect anything. 3. don't believe anything..... this was hard at first since my head was all a jumble, but along the way i was finding god back again...... i could not truly begin to believe the power of psalm 27 and psalm 91 until i left that man. the threats, the threats, the threats, were rendered powerless by my belief in the protection of God.

My children and I began to forge a life for ourselves. we attended church, my lovely lovely father bought me a car to develop some independence (god only knows how he looked on at what i went through)..... we got out and about and we discovered an amazing organisation called Single Parent Action Network who had a study centre in Bristol. My friend encouraged me to go and do a creative writing course.... i stared going when Ophy was 6 weeks old. this was the only 2 hours a week i had to myself, the rest was tied up entirely with v. young children....... it gave me a little space to think, to not be isolated and for people to remark on my writing abilities (that i have never, not even now, truly believed in)

i was still unsure at this time about filing for divorce..... still confused. still thought somehow he loved me..... domestic violence is a fucked up business...... messes with your head like nothing else ever can......

This study centre was amazing... i got to meet loads of single parents, some in similar situations and a lot of them seeming like they were coping........ one day in a storytelling course the tutor asked me 'what are your dreams, what are your hopes ?' and i left the room in tears cos i didn't have any. i was in survival mode..... had no belief in myself, dressed like i was a nobody, walked like i was a nobody, looked like i had had the stuffing kicked out of me........

i walked into a woman called annie who sat and talked with me about her domestic violence situation...... she didn't advise me, she just reflected back to me what i was saying..... listened, let me cry - let me know i could make it alone.......Something happened that day. I don't know quite what, but something shifted.

she would continue to have input with me, when i was there, make the odd comments about work, about this, about. she was a bit of a role model for me....

God continued to work on my healing and within 6-9 months I had a job as a Community Development Worker in Community Education, walked with my head held high, was awaiting for my final divorce decree and was making a way forward for me and the kids..... little steps, little steps, little steps......

i found such confidence at work, realised i did have something to offer the world...... found a passion for adult education and creatively went about my work.... the family became more settled as we created more and more distance from him......

i gave up smoking weed in 2004 - i am now 3 years without. and noone could even pay me to smoke it again, i am also cigarette free.....

in october 2004 i went round to a friend's to watch the passion of the christ.... it had such a profound impact on me that i prayed this most amazing prayer - that i could not deny the Lord anything after the suffering He had gone though for me and I would do anything He asked of me just to make it really clear to me. The next day I came back from a meeting to find a note from the Director of Single Parent Action Network. I called her back. She basically was headhunting me for the role of Study Centre Development Manager at the place where I had found so much personal development input as a single parent........ So I thought to myself, well Lord, you've certainly answered, and a lot quicker than I thought you would!!

End of November 2004 I started work as their Development Manager..... and took the study centre from a place of zero activity into a thriving learning centre. Have designed a holistic learning package for single parents..... brought in nearly £1m worth of funding - if you imagine where I was in 2002 - a complete mess to where I am today.... it's really astounding..... I am Ms Independent, self-resourceful, survivor, broken vessel made into a minister..... Someone once said to me along the way 'you know this may be really tough what you are going through right now but God will use you to help others in time...' I now help and support 70-100 single parents a term, several of whom who have experienced what I have. 1 in 3 single parents have escaped domestically violent relationships..... 1 in 4 families are single parent families.....

yesterday i spent the day at work with two groups of single parents in their courses and saw for myself the impact of our work on their lives..... it's amazing that someone who didn't even feel worthy to walk in the building is now calling the shots..... my work as been recognised at a European Union level as a model of good practice and my work constantly calls on God's creativity to see me through, find ways, help me write funding bids, see into what people need and provide the relevant services. He is completely amazing....

Annie, the woman who helped me, is now one of my closest friends and a great colleague - we are so motivated to help people who have experienced the same as us. I am not embarrassed to be a survivor of domestic violence....... I am proud of my achievements and my children - they are absolutely beautiful creations.....

And most strangely and miraculously I have found forgiveness for their father..... the average life expectancy for males in jamaica is 32, most would sell their own grandmothers to escape the poverty and risk for their lives..... but i don't like the way people are used as a means to an end and not given the right to make informed choices based on all information being given up front and freely....... and i absolutely abhor domestic violence, hate it....

so what does the future hold for me ? i am hoping to set up my own consultancy around fundraising and business planning.... and only within the last year have i been turned onto the idea of meeting someone again and even having more children....... i am a work in progress....... i have a future, dreams and hopes..... but for now find contentment with my circumstances, by beautiful and intelligent and funny, lovely children - who make my life so worthwhile and valuable and the lover of my soul who sticks ever close to me......