the day arrived...

the day arrived that i had been so dreading. the sun came out for us. a break in the storm. as we gathered and began the short ceremony a plane flew overhead. very relevant for my dad who had flown planes until the age of 75.

my children stood so beautifully with flowers. we chose 3 red roses - one from each of us and a pot of forget me nots. i have no real idea what the man said... although it was something to make emotion surge from me at turbo speed and embarrassingly make the most crying noise... these tears were far from silent today. my children comforted - as did my sister-in-law.

most beautifully and what my father would have been so delighted for was me and my birth mother talking (more than saying hello) for the first time in 5 years. that was much appreciated from my point of view... it must have been a shock for her to see her granchildren in such close proximity... my father longed for a reconciliation. i hope that this will come. i have thrown in the olive branch on numberous occasions but it has constantly been declined.... i know it took some courage for her to approach us. she helped ophir lay the roses - the first time she has spoken to her granchild ever. it was amazing...

"And I said to the one who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the Unknown.' And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.'" those were the finishing remarks that I heard the man say as I began to compose myself again...

my children are hilarious. their mirth, energy, joy, is only ever temporarily interrupted by knocks or bumps or quarrells or disputes or discipline. from which they bounce back almost instantaneously... they are amazing little people. so matter of fact. santana at the beginning said 'how are you going to fit grampie in that small hole' to the man from the funeral company taking the ceremony... then by the end of the gathering both santana and ophir had their heads in the hole saying repeatedly 'good bye grampie, good bye grampie, good bye grampie....' very joyously and then running off doing handstands and playing pretend football. just how he would have had it...

Bye dad. You are gone but never forgotten x

Music of the day: these songs completely sum up my mood and outlook for the day...

THE VERVE - SPACE AND TIME

There ain't no space and time
To keep our love alive
We have existense and it's all we share
There ain't no real truth
There ain't no real lies
Keep on pushin' 'cause I know it's there


Oh, can you just tell me
It's all right (It's all right)
Let me sleep tonight
Oh, can you comfort me
Tonight (It's all right)
Make it all seem fine


I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no


There'll be no lullabies
There'll be no tears cried
We feel numb 'cause we don't see
That if we really care
And we really loved
Think of all the joy we'd feel


Oh, can you just tell me
It's all right (It's all right)
Let me sleep tonight
Oh, can you comfort me
Tonight (It's all right)
Make it all seem fine


I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no
I just can't make it alone
Oh, no, no


Ain't got no lullaby, no, no
Ain't got no lullaby, oh, no
There is no space and time
Oh lord
There is no space and time
Oh lord


We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
We have existense and it's all we share
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there
Keep on pushing 'cause I know it's there


THE VERVE - CATCHING THE BUTTERFLIES

As though you were born
And so you thought
The future's ours
To keep and hold
A child within
Has healing ways
It sees me through
My darkest days

I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine

In my lucid dreams
In my lucid dreams

Walking now
Through life no fun
I want to feel
I want to run

I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine

In my lucid dreams
In my lucid dreams

I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
Keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly
In that dream of mine
I'm gonna keep catching that butterfly

In my private dreams
In my private dreams
In my private dreams
My lucid dreams
My forgotten schemes
I see through you
You see through me
I see through you
You see through me
Be with me
Be with me
I see through you
You see through me
I see through you
You see through me

To be in your eyes
To be in your eyes

THE VERVE - ONE DAY

One day maybe we will dance again
Under fiery skies
One day maybe you will love again
Love that never dies


One day maybe you will see the land
Touch skin with sand
You've been swimming in the lonely sea
With no company


Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The roads, the highs, breaking up your life
Can't you hear this beauty in life?


One day maybe you will cry again
Just like a child
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end


Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The times, the highs, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?


Oh, you're too afraid to touch
Too afraid you'll like it too much
The roads, the times, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?


One day maybe I will dance again
One day maybe I will love again
One day maybe we will dance again
You know you've gotta
Tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end
One day maybe you will love again
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end