holiday....

yesterday i was completely blissed out on having a child free day. i dropped my little ones off at 8 am to my friend's who took them off camping overnight. they were so excited, although telling me they would miss me. we are so close and have not been apart very often. but for me it was a little holiday in the midst of my busy life....

i got home had a bacon sandwich and cup of tea - peaceful breakfasts where i don't have to get up and get drinks for them and find stuff for them is such a rarety - it was lovely. had a nice long bath then set off for church. it was a good talk - lovely worship. talk was about desiring god not just his power and not coming in on sunday asking for his power then putting a do not disturb sign on your door for the rest of the week... god gave me more revelation on treasure in jars of clay.... the treasure is a mixture of the precious stones he uses to rebuild us (isaiah 54), pearls (wisdom he gives us); his presence described in revelations as being like emerald, jasper, carnelian and that indwelling presence in us...

i summoned my strength and went for a wander around town in the afternoon. god certainly is healing my m.e. i am able to do so much more..... i had a fantastic time buying some clothes - got some real bargains and it was such a treat to be able to wander around the shops child free...

chuckled with god a bit in the afternoon at the prospect of going to church in the evening en route to going out with friends..... there was a talk on relationships in the evening and i found it quite funny that i would be going there all dolled up on my way out looking like a desperate single parent keen to get a man!! i found this funny. even funnier when i actually turned up looking like a poor replica of madonna in her holiday phase! i got some ace bangles yesterday!! some cool FUBU 3/4 lengths - go ghetto me! lol some stunning linen trousers for £7 in TK MAXX and an array of lovely tops and some lovely new lipsticks.... i do love shopping! there is one plus side to having rheumatism - although i can hold quite a lot - i can't completely overdo it - as it really hurts me to carry it - so there does come a natural stop point - but it's always still when i've spent rather a lot!!

church was great in the evening - i love my pastor - he's lovely. he did a really good job of giving the talk on christian perspective to relationships with very pragmatic tips. i actually think that there is a whole dating crisis in society - it's not just in the church - i have stunningly beautiful female friends who can't find men... i put it down to the breakdown in the extended family/community and the absence of the match makers in the communities - as of days of old. i think internet dating is the new match maker - but very randomly and often deviently so.... i put forward my idea for a christian dating psychometric test - if i could only work out how to do that i could patent it and make a fortune!!
there was a lot of pain in the room - people who had been holding out for years..... and i think the pastor dealt with it very well - urging proactive approach to dating and outlining the key principles of a committed relationship....


i have just got to the point now where i am completely surrendered. and i think a place of maturity with him. i was so fearful last night about it all - yet today my key thoughts are - he is faithful when we put our trust in him - and perfect love casts out all fear. i love this poem:

Do not fear the cutting knife.
Do not shrink in pain.
Let the red drops of they life,
Fall like bleeding rain.
That which thou to death dost give,
Is the seed which yet shall live.

Do not fear the winter’s breath.
Let the seed drop to the earth.
Everything laid down to death,
Waits a resurrection birth.
Let the flower drop; on the thorn.
Fairer glories shall be born.

Do not try to hold life’s joys,
Or the past year’s golden store.
Love it is, who thus destroys,
To make room for so much more.
Love it is with radiant face,
Leading to a wealthier place.

Do not let self pity bleed,
Bitterness, nor fierce regret.
These are worms which kill the seed,
And sad misery beget.
With a willing heart, let go.
God will richer gifts bestow.

Learn the lesson, fast or slow.
This is Heaven’s law.
We must let the old things go.
To make room for more.
We shall reap in some glad way
Fairer joys than lost today.

By Hannah Hurnard
From: Mountains of Spices

i have come to learn with god that there are two ways to go when he is doing something - struggling - which makes it more painful or willingly and utterly surrendered - quicker and shorter, sharper pain.

my friend kate has been absolutely fantastic - as i know she has travelled this path before me.... she is now married to an amazing guy who has just loved her thro her struggles - he is such a darling. she, like me, was scared to death at the prospect of opening herself up to a relationship - since we have both experienced the hurt that someone can cause you and potentially how you are opening yourself up to that again. i was so full of fear last night and unable to sleep. but i'm glad god instructed me to go out but not get merry last night, as my falling over friends and colleagues were! as it's made it possible for him to do amazing stuff today. it's lovely for me to be able to smile directly in his face and say - do whatever you need to do - i trust you! i was so not in that place last night. thanks to my counsellor also who bore with me in that process last night (you know who you are!)

talking of last night - i cannot believe that people who i line manage were offering me spliffs last night! flip! and one of my volunteer's brothers was desperately trying to make a play for me but my evasive body language came well into play! i have very stringent professional boundaries.... you have to! lol jacquie and i had much more fun dancing to goldfrapp in the car whilst i drove her home!! we have come to the conclusion that the only way to get to dance to music you like is to play it in your own lounge or car!!

my babies will be home shortly and we have their friends coming for a sleep over tonight - so the order of the day is to go collecting wood in the park so we can have a fire as promised and trying to wear them all out before 10 pm. these children coming over have some stamina and like to stay up all night!!! i can feel a few games of star wars monopoly coming on.... looks like the holiday is over with avengeance as of tonight!! lol but this has been such a welcome little window of respite in the midst of my hectic life - i really have appreciated it.

looking forward to a week of no work, seeing lots of friends and enjoying more holiday...