joy....

it was not a joyful start to the day today... i had had an unexpected dinner invite yesterday and spent the most pleasant evening with friend, all our children, dinner, mr merlot and a lovely fire in the garden...

it would seem that mr merlot and i became far too well acquainted unbeknown to me... and i awoke with a somewhat hammering head! as i lay in bed saying 'lord?.... Lord?.... LORD?'... in my head i felt drawn to the notion of leaving my bed and going to church - which was not my first choice. 'i have something i want to tell you... go.' so after a couple of paracetamol i heeded the call!!

i was really pleased today - reminiscing on the way to church how hard it was with my m.e. just to walk to the building and how much easier it was becoming... after settling the children i went back downstairs and opened my heart up to god.

this was not an opening of heart of complete surrender today.... this was a venting of spleen opening of heart and telling it how it is!! god opened a desire in my heart last year for another partner - this had been so closed for the duration of my separation, divorce and subsequent hardening of heart, closing of all protective barriers around me..... in the first instance i was fully able to offer my desire back to god, indeed just sacrifice it back...and for the most part it has been left there.... but today i had to tell him that this was something that i really want. i mean, for one, i have come to the conclusion that celibacy is the most unnatural state to be in and boy..... mine is prolonging...!!! secondly i think it would be amazing to have someone to share your journey with - to both seek god's vision and wisdom and direction for life.... and have sex..... and be joined together for a purpose and to love and be loved... and have sex.... and laugh and chill together and go out together and stay in together and talk and be silent together and hold each other and... no longer be celibate... and consider them beautiful and be beheld by them... of course not more than you lord, i am not asking them to replace you or to find my all in them, but lord, i'm not pulling any punches here - i want a man lord! and i don't want any old riff raff i want a special, spiritual, beautiful hearted, intelligent, interesting one, with a great sense of humour (trouble is all men think they have that!! lol) ....the one you made for me man! of course my list of characteristics is significantly longer but that's between be and god!!....

this was what god had to listen to from me today - plus other rantings!! i challenged god to bring this man to me!

then - much to my surprise - god started to talk to me about joy.... not a man! not the vision and expectation of broken celibacy... but joy!!! i had the most beautiful time with him - sitting in his presence and being led little by little to relevant scriptures with which he was speaking his heart to me....

first and foremost: jeremiah 15: 16 'when i found your words, i devoured them; your words made me glad they gave me joy...'

zephanaiah 3: 14-17: sing, daughter of tziyon! should, isra'el! be glad and rejoice with all your heart daughter of yerushalayim! adonai has removed the judgments against you, he has expelled your enemy; the king of isra'el, adonai, is right there wi6th you. you no longer need to fear that anything bad will happen. on that day, it will be said to yerushalayim,

"do not fear, tziyon! do not let your hands droop down.
adonai your god is right there with you as a mighty savior.
he will rejoice over you and be glad,
he will be silent in his love,
he will shout over you with joy'.

then john 15: 9 - 'just as my father has loved me, i too have loved you; so stay in my love. if you keep my commands, you will stay in my love - just as i have kept my fahter's commands and stay in his love. i have said this to you so that my joy may be in you and your joy complete'

so god managed, just as only he can, to refocus me..... towards joy..... now that was amazing whilst sitting in his presence still and undisturbed....

what came later was children, children's friends, children's friend's parents dropping their child off way before you had arranged and picking them up way later... loads of broken glasses, but then a really enjoyable trip to the park preceded by walking with children's friend who will not listen or do as she's told.....at park i had to exercise supernanny style discipline on a sand throwing son of mine using whatever resource i could find available for a time out area - and he's so great he did it (or i'm so scary... one or the other!!) with onlooking parkers.... and at times you're just thinking to yourself 'just flippin well listen' or 'give me a break!' and it's those places i need to find further joy in. my children in themselves are a real joy. sometimes when you have other children over it accentuates how good yours are (or vice versa in some areas) - they listen, do as they're told, tidy up, don't need to be forced to say please or thank you, are intelligent, questioning children who have fabulous senses of humour, great personalities, great senses of right and wrong - but being a single parent is such a long hard road sometimes and i feel to some extent my joy is flagging. and this is simply due to being their sole carer, breadwinner, it's an intense and tiring relationship when you're doing it alone..... so i think god does need to bring someone into my life - however you have new relationships with children on board - he alone can know but i think it's about time.... if you're listening lord!! and i did have a fantastic cuddle today with baby florence who is nearly 2 months old - got her off to sleep and sat with her asleep on me for ages absolutely blissed out by cuddling this baby and i thought.... given the right circumstances i would do this again!!.... (dangerous!!)

this sense of joy is with me. i look forward to seeing what god will do.... and in the meantime i continue to strive to find contentment whatever the circumstances.... even if the slugs have eaten all my plants in the greenhouse thingy without me noticing...... gits!