gone daddy gone....

He is not dead! Not my father.... not my dad.... he is not dead....he is not gone...

From shock to denial - never anger - i tread daily in the sorrow that opens my heart like a vulnerable bleeding wound of sadness....

When they told me i said 'please repeat that... are you telling me dad has died....'

grief. there is no need to reintroduce yourself to me. i have met you before. travelled a well-worn road with you. sorrow has reaquainted himself with me. tears - they issue themselves freely. so many tears have i cried.

but my father is not gone! not my father!

your coffin was so beautiful. adorned with the most beautiful red roses. woven willow adorned your body. that was not you... it cannot be. not my father. not you.

deep from within me a child shrieks at top voice - 'MY FATHER IS NOT DEAD'. i do not want the proof on monday when i see your earthly body reduced to ashes. we ARE dust. but that is not my father. my grief is heightened..... not my father.... i do not want you in that box. i want you back with me. i want you. i do not want to let you go.

time. stop. rewind. reverse. turn around. stop world. give him back to me. tears. stop. joy. return. sorrow. flee. grief. be gone. return to me the sound of his voice. return to me the company. return to me our conversations. return to me our love. return to me our empathy. return to me our support. return to me the encouragement. return to me the happiness. return to me the laughter. return to me the wisdom. return to me my father.

grave - open yourself and return him to me....

death i hate your duality. my loss is his gain. my sorrow is his joy. my pain is his peace. he lives on whilst temporarily a piece of me dies....

music reduces me to tears. the phone ringing jogs an impossible reaction that he may be calling. i cry. there is noone to discuss the football with. i cry. noone to tell me the weather forecast. it's too trivial to represent the real you. but that made you you. you gave me so much more. the politics. the love. the care. the concern. the wisdom. the advice. the quest for justice. the honesty. the truth. the morals. the compassion. the football! the weather! the history. the stories. the importance. the life. the education. the love. love is a doing word..... you have two eyes. two ears. one mouth. use them in that proportion. listen and watch twice as much as you speak.

so behind me i hear a voice. an echo of the past. it says 'come on love'. 'come on love'. 'come on love.' it says 'you look after those children.' 'they are most important.' 'where are you going on holiday this year love. give those kids a good time'. you shrink at the thought of causing any sorrow. you would hate to see me reduced to tears. you would hate to have a detrimental impact on my life. and the same for me with my children when i pass. i would hate to destroy them emotionally by not being here.

so i lift up my eyes. i see your character. i see your wishes. and i know what you would be thinking and saying right now. i lift my breaking heart. i dry my tears. and i move ever forwards in the life you would have me live. it is a wonderful world. despite appearances. and this life is mine for living. you bequeath for me. so that me and my children may know some joy. santana continues his football. ophir continues her imagination. it would all give you joy. i continue to work. we continue to live. we are starting to look forward. but we will never leave you behind or forgotten...

... beyond me. there is an everlasting father.... he is my eternal dwelling place. and underneath are the everlasting arms. one day. we will all be together. all who have gone before us. all who come behind us. there will be no more sorrow. no more pain. no more sickness. we will live in His presence forever.